In a world where spiritual circles preach about forgiving your perpetrator, or even about “turning the other cheek,” here’s why I believe that forgiveness isn’t always the way. Even then, you’ll see the goodness in him. And every time you place the burden of forgiveness on your own shoulders, you’re obligated to wipe the slate clean so as to give him a loving, supportive environment that he tells you is so crucial for his healing. Narcissists love to prey on people with high levels of empathy. While empathy makes us human, the problem is that it has a downside, especially when we have more empathy for others than for ourselves. And when we keep choosing to forgive the narcissist by empathizing with his or her story, we put ourselves last. Without self-love, we will keep getting drawn back in by the narcissist. And that seeking justice may save someone else’s life, because domestic violence tends to be downplayed by police forces around the world. Just like #MeToo took time to gain traction, so will domestic violence prevention. Besides, narcissists become more sophisticated over time. By seeking justice and telling my story, I now understand that I am potentially helping other women to become more cognizant of the narcissist’s modus operandi. For example, I often get letters from women saying, “I am an educated person, I’m a doctor/psychiatrist/lawyer who graduated summa cum laude, and I still feel so stupid for being fooled.” The truth is, your background makes you more attractive to the narcissist because he can parade you around as his trophy. He has spent his whole life conning people and has therefore perfected his art. You didn’t walk around looking out for people who would con you. You didn’t ask to be conned, either. So above all, the most important thing you can do is forgive yourself. Remembering helps you recognize the red flags that led you into that relationship in the first place. It also helps you to celebrate how far you’ve come. Not forgetting simply makes you a wiser person. In spiritual settings, too, sometimes we conflate discernment with being negative. But here’s the truth: Discernment is wisdom, and wisdom makes us stronger, better people. I held on to the pain for far too long, thinking, “Why me? Why did I need this baptism of fire?” I soon realized that I didn’t need that poison in my life any longer. It wasn’t my cross to bear. So I resolved to set it down, burn it, and fertilize my metaphorical garden with its ashes. We accept by making sense of things. Because when our minds have closure, we have a sense of control, knowing that we did our best. We understand why the narcissist did what they did and why that happened to us. We can also choose to understand that we took care of ourselves the best that we could and to commit to becoming the champions that our younger selves never had. Perhaps forgiveness may come to you, and perhaps it won’t. But I hope that you will, first and foremost, take care of yourself. This article was written in collaboration with Dr. Jonathan Marshall, executive coach and psychologist, and Shannon Thomas, LCSW. To understand more about how narcissism works, read up on 14 signs that someone is a narcissist. She has been featured in Elle, Forbes, and Business Insider and has previously worked with Olympians, business professionals, and individuals seeking to master their psychological capital. She works globally in English and Mandarin-Chinese via Skype and Facetime, blending cutting-edge neuroscience, psychology, and ancient wisdom.
