Although we most often notice regression when spending time around parents or siblings again as adults, this can also happen when we start visiting old friends. The reason being, all relationships have certain relational dynamics. These can include power dynamics, emotional dynamics, and habitual interactions based on certain actions or words. “When we’re not with people on a regular ongoing basis, those dynamics are still under the surface,” explains social psychologist Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler, Ph.D., “but because we’re not interacting often, we’re no longer aware of them.” As soon as you go home, or start catching up with old friends on a regular basis, those dynamics come back. “They can either help you or haunt you,” she says. “If you haven’t closely interacted with your parents on a regular basis, and suddenly you’re living under their roof,” she says, “you can slide back into these very familiar patterns of interaction without even realizing it.” Though they may seem permanent, it’s possible to alter those patterns and avoid this regression. If you’re not ready to change your response yet, identifying the pattern can go a long way. “Just naming it frees you from it,” Goldman-Wetzler says. “Once you’ve named the pattern, it’s hard not to see it.” And seeing it is the first step in changing it. “This can be challenging,” Goldman-Wetzler notes. If you have a trusting relationship with your parents or siblings, the conversation could be productive as long as you approach it from a spirit of wanting to improve your relationship as family members. If you don’t, it could inflame them and make things worse. “You want to be thoughtful about whom you do this with, when you bring it up, and how you say it.” If this is too difficult or if you have toxic family members, you can skip to Step 3. For example, instead of slamming the door when your mom blames you for something, stick around and explain why you disagree. The first time you take that different action, it will feel uncomfortable. “So uncomfortable,” she says, “you will barely recognize yourself. That’s how you know you’re doing the right thing.” Taking a different action over time will subtly let your family members know that you’re no longer a child and that they can’t treat you like one anymore. To take control, first acknowledge that you and your family members are stuck in a dynamic together. If one person is exerting power, it takes another person to succumb to it. “When you’re a child, you have no power, so you basically don’t have any recourse,” she says. “When you’re an adult coming back, you have a choice about whether you’ll succumb to it or take a different action.” And try to remember—even amid the conflict—to be grateful. Your ability to retreat to a safe and loving home is a blessing that not everybody has.
