But when it comes to our relationships, having open and honest communication is necessary to creating a healthy, sustainable partnership. Here’s why honesty in relationships is so important. It involves a few key practices: never lying, never hiding the truth, and never purposefully omitting or misdirecting people from the truth. Honesty in a relationship means always telling your partner the truth and being totally open with them, both for the big things and the little things. If you’re avoiding talking to your partner about something—such as things that are bothering you in the relationship, something you did that you know your partner will be upset about, or how you really feel about the things you talk about together—then you aren’t being honest. Being honest means being your true self around your partner, never hiding who you are, what you think, or how you feel. When you’re always honest with someone, it tells them that they can trust you and the things you say. It helps them know they can believe your promises and commitments. “Relationships are built on trust, so honesty is very important in a relationship,” relationship and well-being coach Shula Melamed, M.A., MPH, tells mbg. “We depend on our partner being our port in the storm, a person who we can trust with our thoughts, feelings, and heart.” Being honest with your partner also facilitates healthy communication, which is also necessary for a functional relationship. Couples need to be able to talk to each openly and be real with each other; that’s what true connection is all about. That commitment to being honest also means that both people will be proactive about addressing any tension, conflicts, or issues in the relationship, bringing them up to their partner for discussion. “Relationships flourish when partners trust each other to be honest and open to resolving conflict,” relationship counselor Margaret Paul, Ph.D., has told mbg. “On the other hand, relationships flounder when trust is broken.” “Each lie that your partner catches you in dilutes your bond, turning you from teammates to opponents in an invisible conflict where your word is never taken seriously,” Melamed explains. “That being said, no need to be brutal when delivering your opinion or answering questions honestly that you know might hurt.” For example, if your partner just cooked you the worst meal you’ve ever had in your life and asks you what you think of the food, you should be honest—don’t say you love it when you don’t. But Melamed recommends avoiding unnecessarily hurtful statements (i.e. “you’re a terrible cook”) and springing for kinder ways to convey the same sentiment: “Hmm. I so appreciate that you made dinner tonight. Does it taste a little bitter to you though?” Or, “It’s a little bitter tasting to me, so I think there’s some room for improvement. But you clearly put a lot of effort into this, and I so appreciate it when you make dinner.” For example, someone might insist on sharing an email address or knowing exactly where their partner is at all times, or they might feel entitled to tell their partner how hot they think various celebrities are, even if the comments hurt their partner’s feelings. “Clearly, there are times when sharing too much could actually be hurting your independence and sense of self—or worse, hurting your partner,” marriage therapist Linda Carroll, LMFT, has told mbg. “It is essential to understand the difference between secrets and privacy. Think of it this way: Privacy is a boundary around one’s own thoughts, ideas, and past experiences that don’t directly involve one’s partner. A secret is something that is misleading in some way and intentionally kept hidden from them for fear of judgment or reprisal.” Partners don’t need to tell each other absolutely everything in order to be considered honest, but they do need to be transparent about information that’s going to directly affect each other’s well-being. A good rule of thumb is that if you’re actively avoiding telling your partner something because you’re worried about their reaction, you’re keeping a secret and intentionally being dishonest. And if your partner asks you something directly, you do need to tell the truth. Tell them how you’re feeling or what you’re up to, and allow them to follow your lead. When your partner sees that you’re always being real with them, they’ll feel like it’s safe for them to be real with you. If someone expresses something that hurts you, tell them you appreciate their honesty and then discuss why you’re feeling hurt. Was there another way they could’ve told you that would’ve hurt less? Let them know. If someone said something that you really wish they hadn’t said, you can let them know that that’s information you would prefer not to hear from them. Just remember that your partner should be able to tell you difficult things; that’s part of being in a relationship. Healing broken trust takes time and real, dedicated work. You both need to be involved and collaborating on how to rebuild that trust. “Don’t kid yourself into thinking that you can repair broken trust with a quick statement of forgiveness and a warm embrace,” Paul adds. “The underlying causes for betrayal need to be identified, examined, and worked on in order for betrayal not to resurface again.” If you or someone you know is struggling with telling the truth, these seven tips above can help build more honesty and trust in a relationship. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
