Men and women may cheat for very different reasons, licensed marriage and family therapist Shane Birkel, LMFT, explains. But he notes that it’s likely more due to the way men and women are socialized than any innate differences between them. He adds that the more we as a society move away from that socialization and away from patriarchy, the less we’re seeing those gendered differences in cheating behavior. Although people of all genders might do cheat for this reason, Birkel explains that men may be less likely to have difficult conversations with their partner about their own needs and the relationship. If they’re looking for a way out, they may see cheating as a means to an end. “They’re sort of done with their marriage or relationship, and instead of having that difficult conversation, they’ll just have an affair,” he says. And generally speaking, men are “much less likely to have a good social support system” as far as close male friends, Birkel says. In those instances, the compassion and support from another woman in his life may be very welcome. “It often starts as a friendship, maybe a woman co-worker,” he says, who starts to make him feel better about himself, and so an emotional connection forms. Birkel adds that often, when an opportunity to cheat presents itself, “There are certain people who don’t have a good ability to be understanding of other people’s emotions or the impact of their behavior on other people—narcissistic qualities.” Notably, most people have some level of narcissistic behaviors, and not every person with narcissistic behaviors is a full-blown narcissist with narcissistic personality disorder. The same can be said for sociopathy, aka antisocial personality disorder. “People have very, very different feelings about this,” Page notes. “This is something that needs a lot of discussion between partners. What’s most important is that one partner doesn’t override the other person’s needs and feelings around this.” He adds that men generally have a lower tolerance for sexual infidelity than emotional, whereas women are much more negatively affected by a partner who’s emotionally cheating. Again, it’s a conversation that should be had sooner than later. In general, though, when it comes to cheating, Birkel says secrecy is often involved—and guilt. “Secrecy is often a big part of it. That’s a really good clue it’s something that’s verging on cheating,” he says, along with “any time you’re feeling guilty about something you’re doing.” It can take years, and likely outside help from a sex or couples’ therapist, for a relationship to recover from an affair, but it is possible if both partners are willing to do the work. And that’s really the most important thing. But knowing when to walk away, too, is just as important. And if the partner who cheated isn’t willing to work on things but rather is dismissive of their partner’s hurt, “to me that’s not going to be a situation that’s ever going to lead to a healthy relationship again,” Birkel says. “And I don’t think a partner of that person should tolerate that level of not caring.”
