The process of becoming aroused and having an orgasm is a two-part process: turning on “the ons” and turning off “the offs.” We have to “activate the accelerator” in our brains, which means giving the brain a lot of sexy stimulation to be turned on by, and “release the brakes” in the brain, which means eliminating all the potential threats and other reasons not to be turned on right now. So when in doubt, add clitoral stimulation, whether it’s with your hand, your partner’s hand, a vibrator, your pubic bones pressing together, whatever. Healing from trauma takes patience, self-compassion, and opportunities to experience sexual pleasure in contexts where you feel safe inside your own body. Start on your own, figuring out what you want and what your body needs. Once you learn to feel pleasure while you feel safe in your body, you can then add a partner if you like. Answer: because we’ve been taught that only women with “flawless” bodies are allowed to enjoy sex, and if we make faces or have fat on our bodies or otherwise “fall short,” then enjoying sex is against the rules. This is bullshit. It takes time and practice to replace those self-critical thoughts with affection for your body, but the benefits extend far beyond having more and better orgasms. (Here’s how to start to love your body, even when it’s hard.) The solution is to notice those thoughts, let them go for now, and shift your attention, gently and neutrally, to the sensations in your body. Orgasm happens when we surrender our bodies to sexual arousal – and the best orgasms happen when we surrender in a context of trust, affection, permission, and acceptance of all the things our bodies are and do. It’s like skipping. Once you learn how, your body never forgets. And everybody deserves a life so full of joy that they can do it when they want to. Nagoski spent eight years as a lecturer and the Director of Wellness Education at Smith College. She has taught graduate and undergraduate classes in human sexuality, relationships and communication, stress management, and sex education. Now she travels all over training sexuality professionals, therapists, and lay people about the science and art of sexual well-being.
