Page also says couples tend to cite a decrease in the frequency of their sexual experiences together as a sign that something’s wrong, although that’s a flawed metric. “It’s never really about the quantity of intimate acts between a couple. It’s about the quality.” However, if you notice yourself feeling uninterested in everyone you date, regardless of how enticing they seem during the early days of courtship, you could be wrestling with some underlying attachment issues. “If your thoughts around intimacy or the relationship feel anxious or pervasive, and you’re preoccupied with stress from your life or the outside world, that could be an indicator.” People with anxious attachment styles tend to exhibit an intense need for validation from their partner; when those needs aren’t met, the individual might push away the love interest instead. On the other hand, people with avoidant attachments are just downright uncomfortable with intimacy in general. And listen, if you default to these emotions and reactions—you’re not a bad person, nor are you doomed in love forever. “Your natural humanness starts to come out in time,” Page says, “and trying to ignore your needs is like trying to ignore having a knife in your side. You have to pull it out and heal the wound.” You should also remember that “settling down” into a new relationship isn’t the same thing as losing interest. You might think that once the spark is gone, that means the relationship is over. That’s just simply not true: In fact, it’s a sign that you are moving into a more steady, comfortable phase of the relationship—that’s a healthy next step. And there’s no telling when you might move into this phase. “There are a lot of dubious sources out there that try to give people a timeline for this kind of thing,” Page says, “but just as everyone is unique, every partnership is unique too. It depends on what’s going on in your lives, and it varies.” Now as for addressing intimacy issues, Page notes you can and should educate yourself responsibly: “Books, articles, and blog posts on intimacy are essentially doorways into this area of self-exploration,” she says. “Sometimes, just opening the door is enough for people, but a relationship with a professional can help you get through that doorway.” So if you find that exiting a relationship as it starts to get serious is a behavior pattern you can’t fully control, consider asking for professional help. Page says fear is often the biggest thing keeping people from untying this particular knot. “You have to ask yourself, ‘Do I want a great relationship with someone eventually?’ If the answer is yes, then say that you’ll do what it takes. And if you’re scared, then do it scared!”
