Also sometimes referred to as “worry work” or “cognitive labor,” the mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks. It’s being the one in charge of having the never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, delegating all the tasks to respective family members, and making sure they actually get done. One study1 published in the American Sociological Review describes it as the responsibility of “anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress.” Or here’s the explanation from a recent report on the mental load from the children’s nonprofit Bright Horizons: In addition to sapping time and energy, this type of household labor is typically taken for granted. In other words, women don’t even get acknowledged for doing this work. “I think it has become a topic of discussion in recent years in part because men are contributing more to the care of children and the household, and even though women may be physically doing fewer loads of laundry, women are realizing that they continue to hold the responsibility for making sure it gets done—that the detergent doesn’t run out, that all of the dirty clothes make it into the wash, that there are always clean towels available, and that the kids have clean socks,” Ciciolla explains. “Women are recognizing that they still hold the mental burden of the household even if others share in the physical work, and that mental burden takes a toll.” Research conducted by Ciciolla and her colleagues has shown that the mental load is linked to strains on mothers’ well-being2 and lower relationship satisfaction. Nearly nine in 10 mothers in committed partnerships say they feel solely responsible for organizing the family’s schedules, for example, and the burden left them feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to make space for their own self-care. The Bright Horizons report similarly found 72% of working moms feel it’s their job to stay on top of kids’ schedules, and 52% are facing burnout from the weight of these responsibilities. “Invisible labor and the mental gymnastics associated with it can be a heavy burden that saps one’s energy,” Ciciolla explains. “Recognizing the reality that our mothers are disproportionately carrying this burden might help us understand why many moms are feeling burned out.” Or, after a woman opens up about how tired she is or breaks down under the weight of all the housework she’s been managing, her partner says something to her along the lines of: “You should’ve asked! I would’ve helped you.” “When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he’s viewing her as the manager of household chores. So it’s up to her to know what needs to be done and when,” the artist EMMA explains in a viral comic explaining the mental load. “What our partners are really saying, when they ask us to tell them what needs to be done, is that they refuse to take on their share of the mental load.” Women don’t just need help with accomplishing each and every chore around the house. They also need relief from being the one in charge of knowing what needs to get done and from the responsibility of making sure you’re doing your part. Organizing and planning are full-time jobs that people get paid to do. (Ever heard of a project manager?) Simply expecting women to take on this role, in addition to half of the physical chores, means that in reality she’s taking on way more than half the housework. Invisible labor is still labor. This original comic about the mental load does a good job of illustrating the mental load with clear and easy-to-understand examples. Gemma Hartley’s viral essay about emotional labor also demonstrates some of the more exhausting aspects of the mental load (she blends the concept of the mental load with the related concept of emotional labor, but it’s still a useful and eye-opening read). Send all of these links, and then ask if you can sit down to have a conversation about this. Here’s another very clear example Aliya Hamid Rao, Ph.D., a sociologist and author of Crunch Time: How Married Couples Confront Unemployment, recently told mbg: “Even when husbands do unpaid work (like housework and child care), they still depend on wives to tell them what to do and when. So let’s say a husband is going to grocery shop for the family. The wife will be the one who looks at their fridge, their pantry, thinks about what they are missing, what they will need in the next week or so, and makes a list. The husband goes and shops, often even calling the wife if he can’t find an item to get her to guide him.” Clinical psychologist Lina Perl, Psy.D., recommends saying it like this: I feel uncomfortable delegating activities—it’s a big job to be a manager. I’d rather we look at what needs to be done and decide together how to divide it up. Then I won’t feel like I’m nagging everyone all the time. Maybe you do worry too much, but that’s not the point. There are things around the house that just need to get done. If a woman is constantly worrying about these tasks, it’s because she recognizes that the tasks are not going to get done if she doesn’t do them. Think how different the situation would be if, as soon as she remembered that she needs to change the bedsheets, she enters the bedroom only to see that her partner has already done it. Or if her partner starts saying “Hey, I’m going to stop by the grocery on the way home—we need more milk and eggs” before she even notices they’re running low. The more these moments happen, the more she will be able to start worrying less. Just saying “Stop worrying!” won’t help. Actions will. RELATED STORY: How To Get Your Partner To Do More Around The House You need to have a full, sitdown conversation about this—not just a passing mention, and not just an exhausted cry for help when you’re completely strung out. Your partner needs to really, truly understand what the mental load is and how it’s affecting you before they will truly be able to commit to change. “Having this aspect of household labor recognized can allow steps to be taken within marriages or partnerships to address inequalities,” Ciciolla says. “When we know what constitutes invisible labor and what aspects seem most burdensome, then we start considering ways to address that burden.” You can’t only divide up the physical tasks like cooking, cleaning, and putting the kids to sleep—you also need to divide up or account for the mental tasks of planning, delegating, scheduling, remembering, taking stock, and holding each other accountable. “Any negotiation of housework should incorporate this kind of work too,” Rao says. It’s hard to neatly divide up many of these aspects of mental labor, but the key is to make sure both people are equally involved. So if your partner tends to be the one who carries most of the mental load, it’s your responsibility to step up and take initiative on these mental tasks until it simply feels more balanced to both people. You’ll need to continue checking in with each other. Over time, you’ll be able to sense when the weight is truly equally distributed between you. (Here’s our full guide to sharing housework chores equally, including ways to share the mental load.) “Women may have internalized the expectations of what their home and family should be like, and even though they are told not to worry, it is very difficult to let go of ingrained, societal expectations of what a good mother and good homemaker do,” Ciciolla explains. That means that part of sharing the mental load also involves change on the part of women. For example, women can often fall into the habit of gatekeeping when it comes to household labor, which might include monitoring, criticizing, or correcting the ways your partner does his chores—which may actually discourage him from fully engaging. You need to be able to trust your partner to get things done. If you care about something being done a certain way, you can explain why it’s important to you. Frame any such requests not as criticism but as a way your partner can show they love you—by caring about the small details you care about. (Acts of service is one of the five love languages, FYI!) “In the business world, lots of companies use ‘standups’ or daily/weekly team meetings to lay out the priorities for the week, as a way to get everyone on the same page and make sure the details are covered,” Ciciolla recommends. “Doing the mental work together might be a helpful way to make things fairer, or at least, shared.” RELATED STORY: Why Chore Lists Don’t Help Couples Share Housework Equally With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
