“Sapiosexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by sexual and erotic attraction to potential partners who are, first and foremost, intelligent,” sex and relationship therapist Casey Tanner, LCPC, tells mbg. “In these cases, intelligence is the genuine ’turn-on,’ not the status, job, or financial benefits that might accompany intelligence.” “A sapiosexual person may be more interested in discussing books or politics with someone on a first date rather than trying to begin a sexual relationship immediately,” she says. If you find yourself most drawn to someone’s intellect, this is a very good sign you are sapiosexual. “For sapiosexual folks, intelligence isn’t just icing on the cake for an already attractive partner; it is intelligence itself that drives arousal,” Tanner says. “Sapiosexual individuals not only enjoy intellectual conversation; they might also feel aroused by it.” “They may have an online dating profile that focuses more on their career or their academic goals than on trying to find someone to engage in sex with,” she says. To the sapiosexual, these achievements may be looked at as a stand-in or barometer of a person’s overall intelligence. “Sapiosexual people might find that it’s difficult to connect sexually with a potential partner until they’ve engaged in some form of intellectual discussion,” Tanner says. “Intellectual connection may be considered far more effective foreplay than even physical touch.” If you struggle to connect with a potential partner before chatting about their favorite books or political views, this is good sign you might be sapiosexual. “Sapiosexuality is the need to build an intellectual attraction before a sexual attraction will occur, while demisexuality is the need to build an emotional connection before a sexual attraction will occur,” Shane explains. “For a sexual attraction to begin, a sapiosexual person is seeking someone on the same intellectual level they are on, whereas a demisexual person is seeking someone who will share their feelings and emotions.” However, some sexuality experts advocate that sapiosexuality is a valid orientation and should be considered as such. “Sapiosexuality is not an orientation in that orientation is about the gender identity of the partner or potential partner,” Shane explains. “A sapiosexual person can identify as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or greysexual. Sapiosexuality is how the person develops their attraction to someone. It is the how, not the who, of their attraction experience.” In that way, sapiosexual may more closely resemble demisexuality, which describes when someone only experiences sexual attraction after an emotional connection is established first. However, demisexuality is considered part of the asexual spectrum, whereas sapiosexuality is usually considered a separate micro-label of its own. “As a sex therapist, I make it a priority not to yuck someone’s yum, so to speak,” Tanner adds. “And as a queer person, I know what it feels like to have my orientation invalidated. I just don’t see a need to devalue something that is true for someone else.” “Intellectual conversation, exploration, and gaining perspective are all qualities that contribute to a sapiosexual’s level of attraction and connection,” certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, previously told mbg. “Plus, exploring questions like these really allows two people to get to know each other on a more meaningful level.” It’s probably easiest to date a sapiosexual if you’re personally interested in this sort of stuff, too. As sex-positive counselor Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC, CCRC, previously told mbg, “Performative intelligence will fall flat and likely turn your beloved sapiosexual right off.” That said, everyone has topics that they know and care a lot about. “If you’re really passionate about a topic, show your passion while you discuss it,” says Sweet. Sapiosexuals also appreciate general intellectual curiosity, and having a partner who is willing to participate and show interest in the same topics the sapiosexual is interested will go a long way.
