In theory, maternal instinct sounds like a great concept since it makes it seem like motherhood is the most natural thing in the world. And while there’s plenty to love about being a mom, most parents would agree that the transition into parenthood is anything other than easy and seamless. Either way you look at the concept, it almost exclusively focuses on women and children. This reinforces an idea about women not only wanting children but also being innately equipped to care for them. Anything that deviates from this idea is considered the negative exception. Some studies point to early emotional bonding between mothers and their babies especially through the release of oxytocin during breastfeeding. Likewise, some studies point to early prenatal bonding occurring around the time that a pregnant woman first feels their baby move. None of those studies, however, support the idea of an inherent maternal instinct. In short: Yes, the idea that all women have a “maternal instinct” is a myth. According to a 2018 study that researched attachment between new moms and their babies, it’s not uncommon for women to struggle to feel connected1 to their newborn or have a sense of “motherly love” toward them immediately following birth. Even though behaviors like skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding can aid in attachment, many of the women who participated in these studies took up to a week to express feeling a real connection. In some scenarios, it even took months for that bond to occur. This topic gets even more complicated when you add in the reality of postpartum depression2, which can make the bonding experience more difficult or delayed for moms who struggle with it. Trying to manage newborn care while also juggling emotional strain is a tall order. Other documented issues that can delay maternal connections include experiencing a traumatic birth3 that delayed holding the baby, not having the birthing experience4 you wanted, and the jarring reality of caring for a newborn5. These feelings of disconnect are actually quite normal. But due to societal pressures dictating that a woman should instantly feel bonded with her baby, many women expressed guilt and shame in countless studies when they didn’t feel that immediate connection. As alluring as the notion of an innate maternal instinct might be, it’s also a double-edged sword that can prevent you from getting help when you need it. By trying to adhere to the ideal that you should naturally know how to do everything—even if you’ve never cared for small children before—you’re setting yourself up for failure. When you struggle with a specific task like breastfeeding, transitioning to solids, or even potty training (which are perfectly common struggles), you’ll measure your actions against a mythical concept that’s impossible to uphold. Likewise, relying on “maternal instinct” as a hardwired force in those who give birth ignores the reality that fathers6 and foster parents are just as capable of performing child care tasks and experiencing increased oxytocin when engaging in bonding activities with their children. Rather than subscribing to the notion of maternal instinct, embrace the idea that it takes a village to raise a child—lean on your friends and family for help when you need it. If you’re struggling with breastfeeding, ask your mom, friends, other relatives who have experience, or seek out a lactation consultant who can provide personalized attention and help. Can’t get a swaddle just right? Try again, or skip it and get a wearable baby blanket instead. There are plenty of options, and you shouldn’t have to go it alone.
