Here are a few signs you can look out for to determine if you’re a victim of gaslighting in your relationship, plus tips to help you navigate it. The origin of the term can be traced to a British play in which an abusive husband manipulates the surroundings and events with the goal of making his wife question her reality. People use gaslighting to “gain an upper hand and avoid accountability,” according to Andrea Papin, RTC, and Jess Jackson, LMT, therapists at Trauma Aware Care. “Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance of power/control—namely, the power/control to construct a narrative that keeps the gaslighter in the ‘right’ and their partner in the ‘wrong,’” therapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, tells mbg. Gaslighting can happen in romantic relationships, families, friendships, and even in workplaces, and it’s often a sign of an abusive relationship. According to licensed therapist Alyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW, common examples of gaslighting phrases include: Here’s a real-life gaslighting example: Lupe and Sam are a couple whose friendship blossomed into dating. Soon after they started their romantic relationship, Lupe noticed Sam wasn’t actually spending a lot of time with her one-on-one. When they were out together, Sam would also treat Lupe as if they were still platonic friends and flirt with other people. This made Lupe confused and prompted her to initiate a conversation about their developing relationship. When Lupe brought up her concerns, Sam became upset. His reaction was, “You’re acting like I don’t care about you at all,” and “Am I a bad person for trying to make new friends?” Sam deflected his behavior and spun their fight into a narrative that Lupe was in fact the one causing problems in the relationship by bringing any of this up in the first place. Lupe left the conversation confused, wondering why she was so sensitive and if she really was just self-sabotaging her own relationship. “The most destructive thing about gaslighting is that it makes it difficult to trust yourself,” Rosenberg explains. This can happen over time, so it’s not easy to detect immediately, but if you constantly find yourself asking “Am I losing it?” or saying “I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is valid,” that’s a big indicator of being gaslighted. Clinical therapist Alexis Sutton tells mbg that partners who gaslight will sometimes say, “You’re too sensitive” or “You don’t have a right to feel that way.” Some partners will even deny events that happened. She explains that if a partner is never willing to take accountability for their actions and “you exhaust yourself, trying to justify your feelings in order for your partner to determine whether or not they are valid,” you are being gaslit by your partner. Sutton explains that people who gaslight might “change the topic to something you have done instead of addressing what they have done.” Papin and Jackson add that some partners may take it as far as belittling you, calling you “too sensitive” as a way to avoid taking accountability for themselves. “This is objectively impossible,” Rosenberg reminds. “In a healthy relationship, both partners will make mistakes, and both partners will apologize when they are in the wrong. If it’s one-sided all the time, it’s an indication that the relationship dynamic is organized around themes of power and control.” A person who gaslights might not have the capacity to sit with their emotions or self-reflect and may even have feelings of low self-worth that they are uncomfortable dealing with. In some cases, gaslighting is used by someone psychologists would identify as a narcissist, where the person has no sense of remorse for their actions or empathy for their partner. Gaslighting can be done either consciously or unconsciously, they add. Although gaslighting is never justified, there are some people who may not realize they are even doing it. Some people consistently rely on gaslighting as a tactic to maintain control in relationships, so they might not realize how harmful it is. “Some folks have been gaslighting those around them for so long that it’s a second-nature survival strategy,” Papin and Jackson explain. Rosenberg also drew parallels between gaslighting in relationships and larger social issues. Papin and Jackson note that gaslighting “can often intersect with misogyny and white supremacy. These intersections have often excused and encouraged gaslighting behavior to maintain positions of power. Gaslighting is a common method to keep power structures in place and oppress folks who have less access to support and resources.” These power dynamics can show up within intimate relationships as well. “The more privilege one has, the more their experience gets centralized as ’normal’ or ‘correct,’” Rosenberg explains. “Gaslighting can show up in relationships as the more privileged partner discounting the experiences of the less privileged partner.” If you or someone you know may be experiencing gaslighting, talk with a therapist or other mental health professional to help cope with the situation and develop the best course of action. RELATED: 28 Gaslighting Examples + Phrases To Look Out For Jayda has also trained and worked as a Rape Crisis Counselor through San Francisco Women Against Rape and other organizations throughout southern California and the Bay area. She continues to advocate for survivors of sexual assault by aligning her work with trauma-informed practices. As an educator, the topics that excite her most are sexual exploration, transformative justice, and non-traditional relationships. When not talking about sex, you can also find her drawing visual notes during social justice workshops. You can follow her work on Instagram.
