While that entire thought process sounds logical, it can be deeply painful to live in such a reality. Coping with the long-range effects of such a violation can be a lifelong quest, but help comes in many forms. We spoke with trauma psychologist Remi Coker, Ph.D., and licensed therapist Jessica Conquest, LMFT, about what exactly betrayal trauma is, when it can develop, how it relates to other kinds of trauma, and methods to recover and heal. “Generally speaking, betrayal trauma is ’triggered’ when a person/institution that we rely on for support (food, shelter, safety, emotional needs, job security) violates our boundaries,” Coker explains. “This can range from early childhood experiences where our basic needs weren’t met, to infidelity within romantic relationships, to institutional silence with regards to highly charged social justice issues.” The impacts of betrayal trauma are often compounded by the fact that the person who was harmed may need to remain in the abusive relationship for survival, as in the case of child abuse or institutional abuse, Coker explains. “In this case, it isn’t to our advantage to react in the ’normal way’ to the betrayal (i.e., leave the relationship or institution). Instead, we must suppress and ignore the betrayal in order to have our needs met.” According to the 2008 Encyclopedia of Psychological Trauma, in instances of betrayal trauma, “the victim may be less aware or less able to recall the traumatic experience because to do so will likely lead to confrontation or withdrawal by the betraying caregiver, threatening a necessary attachment relationship and thus the victim’s survival.” Betrayal triggers can be particularly hard to grasp in situations where there isn’t a direct antecedent, Coker adds. That said, betrayal trauma theory argues that safe and trustworthy attachments can be developed if these traumas are properly confronted and healed. Here is a list of common betrayal trauma symptoms: When examining your relationship for signs of betrayal trauma, Conquest recommends asking yourself: “An example of betrayal trauma could be officers in the military being sexually assaulted,” Conquest explains. “When the assault is reported or discovered, there’s no reaction or an inappropriate response from the military. In this example, the lack of response may be even more traumatic than the sexual assault itself. This can also be referred to as ‘institutional trauma.’” In such cases, the violated officer may not only feel aggrieved by their attacker, but distrust can lead to limited interaction with other teammates and a lack of faith in the entire system. The person experiencing this form of betrayal trauma may not necessarily be a direct victim of physical abuse or violence. “Failure to prevent or respond supportively to reported individual incidents by an institution constitutes betrayal trauma,” Coker explains. “This is also something common that people of color and others with marginalized identities face… They expect the institution that espouses concern for their needs to ‘have their backs,’ but often they fall short.” Here’s an example Coker offers: “Recovery implies awareness, so accessing counseling and therapeutic supports can be a crucial step in the case of recovery,” says Conquest. She suggests a variety of therapeutic techniques, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) to support healing. When the victim feels safe and willing, she recommends group or family therapy. Sometimes this can entail relational healing with the person who initiated the trauma, but other times it simply allows the recovering person the opportunity to share their story with people in their lives who play a vital role in their social circle or support system. While trauma therapy can be an important step to healing, Coker notes that not everyone is ready for professional help. Telehealth options might add a layer of detachment that a recovering person might prefer over a face-to-face session. In the meantime, lean on the other friends and family members in your support system. Your support system is vital for giving you a reality check that what you think is going on really is going on and reminding yourself that there are still trustworthy people in the world, says Coker. “Can you muster up other support to help fulfill your needs? Do you have a great support network of friends who can help float you while you look for another job, the backup of a supervisor who can fight for your rights, the love and support of another parent?” she says. “Sometimes turning to others for support can show us that we aren’t alone and that can be enough to find a way to change one’s situation.” Trauma recovery is best achieved under the care of a licensed therapist who specializes in the kind of situations that most deeply affect you. If your situation is complex, long-standing, or built on childhood trauma, disclose that to prospective care providers to ensure that they are a good fit. If the relationship that troubles you most is deeply rooted in your identity or an institution, don’t be afraid to say so. Build trust with your care provider and use that to craft a plan to build healthy relationships and practices for the future. Just acknowledging the trauma occurred can be quite difficult, so remember to be gentle with yourself and patient with the process of recovery and healing. Originally from New Jersey, she has lived in Spain, India, Mozambique, Angola, and South Africa. She speaks four languages (reads in three), but primarily publishes in English. Her writing placements range from popular trade magazines like Better Home & Gardens, Real Simple, and Whetstone to academic journals like Harvard’s Transition Magazine, the Centre for Feminist Foreign Policy, and the Oxford Monitor.
