If you know someone who has a pattern of negativity and self-sabotage, they may have a victim complex. “If you have a victim complex, you feel a lack of control in your life, may blame others when things go wrong, and overall tend to feel like things are happening ’to’ you,” she explains. “While we all feel this way from time to time, if you have a victim complex, you feel victimized more severely, more often, and for a longer time than the average person.” Having a victim complex is different from experiencing actual trauma or victimization, adds licensed psychologist Traci Williams, Ph.D. “Survivors of traumatic events do not necessarily have the victimhood trait. In fact, most survivors of trauma do not feel like the event defined them, and see themselves as separate from their painful experiences.” It’s also much different from someone speaking up about legitimate societal injustices. Mateer points out that someone with a victim complex tends to generalize the world being against them as an individual, specifically, while people in an oppressed, marginalized group usually observe injustice being perpetrated against their entire group, not just them. More importantly, systematically oppressed people speak about their personal experiences to move the needle and effect change—unlike those with a victim complex, who are actually often resistant to change. “Those with a victim complex are typically unable to take accountability for their own contribution in challenges or conflict. Someone with a victim complex is fully focused on themselves and their own problems,” Mateer says. At the root, a victim complex is characterized by a feeling that life is happening to you rather than a sense that your life is within your control. If something bad happened at work, they blame it on their boss. During a breakup, they complain endlessly about their ex and how they were mistreated. In each situation, they’re the helpless victim and everyone else is the perpetrator. For people with a victim complex, though, Williams says they aren’t able to see the specific subtleties of certain situations because they’re so fixated on their point of view. “You view yourself as ‘good’ or pious and see many others in your life as ‘bad’ or ’evil,’” she says. People’s roles, expectations, and emotions feel absolute. No matter what, in every situation, the victim was pushed around. For people who put themselves in the victim role, Williams says it’s also important for the victim to let everyone else know the ways they’ve been exploited or taken advantage of. Because of this strong identification, the victim rarely takes an empowered stance for their behavior and cognitive distortions. But people who have a victim complex have also usually gone through certain experiences to acquire this type of sensitivity. Research in 20152 outlined several factors that contribute to this narrow perspective: First and foremost, emotionally unsafe parenting leads you to internalize your parents’ blame and criticism as self-criticism. You may not have felt safe or comfortable expressing the full spectrum of your emotions because they weren’t able to co-regulate with you, which leads to problems sitting with your feelings later on. It may also be hard for your parents to accept when they’ve made a mistake because they’re preoccupied with finding fault in others. “As a result, you as the child are left feeling immense guilt for a situation that you had nothing to do with. As a child of parents with a victim complex, you may struggle in adulthood to set and uphold healthy boundaries, voice your own needs, and may gravitate toward people-pleasing,” she adds. Recent research3 suggests that while victimhood is a defining characteristic of narcissism, the origins are distinctly different. People with a true victim complex often see themselves in that light as a trauma response from previous painful experiences. They want to avoid being hurt again. People with narcissism deploy the victim narrative when they believe they can benefit from making the other feel guilty or use a past experience to avoid liability. (“My ex was an awful person; that’s why it’s so hard for me to trust again.”) (“My mom didn’t love me when I was growing up; that’s why it’s difficult for me to show you the care you deserve.”) “Oftentimes, those with a victim complex gravitate toward people who they think can save them. While you may be well intentioned in trying to help, that can often perpetuate the victim state for the person with the victim complex,” she says. “Setting healthy boundaries in your interactions with someone with a victim complex is important while also gently reminding them of their own power in the situation and reiterating that you support and believe in them to handle it,” Mateer advises. On that note, she recommends not fueling their victimhood with excessive attention and sympathy and focusing on centering the conversations on empathy and neutral ground. While you want to be there for them, you also don’t want to create codependency or nurture black-and-white thinking where there’s a clear villain and a powerless victim. Remind them they have autonomy over how situations play out. While there’s a possibility for things to go wrong, gently guide them toward the possibility that there’s also the chance things can work out too. “Several therapeutic approaches can help you understand why you feel the way you do and can empower you to improve the quality of your life—like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) motivational interviewing, and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).” And if you’re someone who may be sensitive to victimization, know that change starts with self-awareness. By releasing the compulsion to see yourself in limitation, it is possible for you to build the self-confidence, compassion, and kindness needed to reclaim your story.
