As licensed psychotherapist Babita Spinelli, L.P., J.D., notes, these people can have a really negative impact on others through their behavior, whether they’re attempting to manipulate someone, control them, or abuse them in any way. “Then there’s another added layer where there are those who do it sadistically to cause drama or watch someone squirm,” Neo adds. That said, some people can have toxic traits without necessarily realizing the effect they’re having on other people. Not only that, but they’re energy vampires, meaning they seem to drain the very life out of you just with their presence. “They cause you a lot of distress that you may even justify because you can’t understand why it’s affecting you so badly,” Neo notes, adding that toxic people will often make you question your sanity. When a toxic person has a hold on you, you’ll find yourself accommodating them, making poor choices, and getting caught in drama. This all leads to an overall diminishing of self-esteem and self-worth, and even anxiety and depression, says Spinelli. “They’ll put you down and insult you, often in a passive-aggressive or backhanded way,” Neo says. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe they make jokes about something you’re sensitive about to get a rise out of you, or perhaps they withhold affection to punish you for seemingly no reason. “All they want is to make you squirm—they thrive on that,” Neo says. Of course, sometimes we can’t avoid certain people, whether they be toxic family members or co-workers. In that case, it’s important to know your boundaries and stick to them, Spinelli says. As Neo adds, sometimes we don’t realize we are indeed allowed to set firm boundaries. If you struggle with this, she suggests planning a “script” of sorts, planning out exactly what you want to say before you have to say it. Both Neo and Spinelli explain that when dealing with toxic people, we have to know what we’re dealing with and respond as such. Neo calls it the “law of the jungle,” basically saying you wouldn’t go into a jungle without being properly equipped to protect yourself. So, don’t be afraid to do just that. “This doesn’t mean you are not a compassionate person,” Spinelli adds. “It means you are taking care of yourself and ensuring self-preservation.” And as Neo notes, defending yourself is not the same as provoking another, and “you can retain your kindest, most loving self for those who deserve it.” Last but certainly not least, Neo also suggests doing some trauma work, because toxic people will know how to hit you where it hurts. “Make sure you heal the trauma, respond wisely, and you are strategic,” she says, so that they can’t trigger you.
