When it comes to seeing someone, there’s perhaps nothing more anxiety-inducing than figuring out how to define the relationship (DTR). But there comes a point when you’ve exhausted asking yourself all the questions: Are we talking? Are we dating? Are we exclusive? And now you’re ready to create the boundaries of your relationship and have an honest conversation about where you each stand. Importantly, how someone chooses to define a relationship is dependent on the individual, adds therapist and life coach Tess Brigham, MFT, BCC. Culturally we often receive implicit or explicit messages that relationships are supposed to be long term and monogamous, but Brigham says that formula doesn’t always work for everyone—and defining the relationship is not just about trying to shove your particular relationship into that mold. More and more people are redefining what relationships look like to them and creating relationship agreements that actually make sense for their needs. “[Long-term, monogamous] relationships are hard, and it isn’t always what everyone needs,” she says. “If you’re happy with where you are, don’t let other people tell you that it’s not OK. A DTR conversation can be two people agreeing they want to be exclusive, continue dating casually, continue hanging out just as friends with benefits, or anything else that fits how you feel. What’s important is that it’s a shared understanding. Psychotherapist Beth Sonnenberg, LCSW, says enjoying where you are in a relationship and living in the moment is also important. Sometimes you have to “make it up as you go. There should be some spontaneity; otherwise, that takes the fun out of it.” Even if labels aren’t your thing, though, practicing open communication and being sensitive to how each of you feel throughout the relationship is key to keeping it healthy and nourishing for both parties. Now, approaching that particular conversation can require some skill and finesse. Figuring out how to start is always hard, and so is mentally preparing yourself for not liking how the conversation ends. But it provides a sense of clarity that can be necessary for a relationship to continue. But if you struggle to work outside of time frames, Brigham says to wait at least two to three months before defining the relationship. By that time, you should have a better sense of the person and be able to gauge their feelings. Research has also proved there’s something to the three-month period; for instance, 90-day rehab programs used to be the golden standard because it takes 66 days on average to develop and form habits. Importantly, people often find themselves stuck in ambiguous relationship situations—or situationships, as they’ve been labeled—because they don’t want to face what’s already in front of them, explains Brigham. “They don’t do what’s right for them, hoping that the other person will change their mind. I’ve never seen it happen.” Most of the time, the person has already shown you how they feel. “If they want to be in a relationship with you, they will show up. They will keep asking you out, they will want to see you a lot, and they will want to move in that direction,” says Brigham. “They will ask you to things that are significant, and they will talk about plans for the future.” That’s why Sonnenberg says it’s important to enter these conversations with an open mind and the willingness to be flexible. “I think having that conversation often would allow for the most success because you might change your mind while you’re in it, or stuff might not be working the way you had envisioned,” she explains. “It needs to be fluid and an ongoing conversation about what’s working and what’s not working.”
