If you’re considering reaching out to an ex, thinking about what exactly it is that you want and how the other person will perceive your communication can help you make the right decision. Here are some things to consider when trying to answer that big question on your mind: Should I text my ex? A few questions to think about: Reaching out to apologize to an ex for your hurtful actions can be really meaningful to them, as long as it’s about making them feel validated and not just about clearing your own conscience. Sometimes it can also be helpful to let your ex know the ways they’ve hurt you. In addition to giving you closure, the information can help them learn how to not repeat their hurtful behavior in future relationships. But if what you want to say isn’t beneficial to your ex’s growth or their healing process—or you know they’re not likely to learn and change their behavior based on what you say—it may not actually be necessary or fruitful for you to reach out. You may benefit from just writing a letter or email airing out everything you want to say but never actually sending the letter. If your breakup was hostile, chaotic, or involved one or both people getting deeply hurt, understand your ex may not be willing to help you get better closure—either because they don’t care about your well-being, they’re too resentful, or they simply got too hurt and need to take care of themselves. You can still reach out if you need closure or feel like you should apologize for something you did in the relationship, but be sure to directly state that you’re not looking to get back together—you just want to talk. But if you want to discuss the possibility of getting back together, that’s probably a conversation best had in person. If you feel like you don’t fully understand why you broke up or there’s more to discuss about what happened in your relationship, that conversation might be a little too long and complex to try to have by text—an in-person meeting might be necessary to really get what you both need. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
