How do you know if you’ve made the wrong decision or if you’re just in a momentary tailspin of second-guessing that’s normal in the process of getting over a breakup? “All change comes with some grief,” Nguyen tells mbg. “When we break up with someone, many folks may see that person less, have to change their living situation, or figure out how to navigate any shared friendships. Humans love routine and patterns—even when they’re not helpful—and to disrupt this can lead to anxiety and fear about a new and unknown future.” As you’re sorting through your feelings, your mind might be spinning with what-ifs and fickleness. It can be tempting to go back to what you knew and emotionally avoid the pain instead of going through the necessary journey of feeling the emotions and meeting your needs at a higher place. “Take a hard and honest look at your values. Remind yourself what led to you and/or your partner deciding to separate. For a breakup to happen, there must have been a rationale that made sense, and it’s good to honor that,” Nguyen says. He shares a visual example of two people walking in a field: “When our values are in line, we’re walking in the same general direction. When it feels like we’re drifting apart, perhaps we may talk and find a common direction. When it feels like a relationship isn’t in line with your values, people begin to consider heavily if it is in their best interests to stay the course or go off into a different path. Sometimes that can be repaired, and both of you can continue on a common course. Sometimes it’s not worth the energy.” But if you’ve been looking for a reason to end the relationship, it’s usually valid, even if it’s covered in anguish at first glance. Some partnerships can be suffocating and limiting to your progression as an individual, and leaving is essential to continue on your journey. Just because you’re sad and feel like an emotional wreck doesn’t mean it’s enough of a reason to stay. “Accept that you made a decision based on the limited information available,” Nguyen advises. “No one will ever be able to get a full and impartial view of what happened. Give yourself some empathy that you did the best that you could with what you have.” Will I be able to meet anyone else? What if this was a mistake? These questions are all normal after a breakup, says Nguyen: “All change, even if it is largely positive, comes with some anxiety, fear, or regret.” When you’re thinking about the breakup, there can be a lot of sadness and pain around shared memories. Perhaps your life with them was easy and comforting, and imagining being on your own is terrifying. But don’t let fear enable you to regress from your decision. It doesn’t help you, and they don’t deserve to be with someone who only wants to be with them because they don’t want to be alone. “The problem with the unknown is that it is precisely that: unknowable. We may not know answers to these questions for a while, if ever. All we can do is routinely ask ourselves what we need and try to walk toward that as much as possible. Sometimes we find out more information and have to change course, and that’s OK,” Nguyen says. “Remember that you are never truly trapped,” notes Nguyen. “While we can’t change the past, there are many more options in the future. Maybe there is room for an ongoing conversation with this person. Perhaps we have to move on and begin dating one of the many other wonderful people in the world. Or even give time to ourselves to be single. Thinking of the infinite possibilities may give you a headache, but at least remember there are options to move forward.”
