Adults with Peter Pan syndrome, also sometimes called failure-to-launch syndrome, avoid the personal and professional responsibilities of adulthood. “They just are the individuals who really don’t want to grow up,” psychotherapist and relationship expert Babita Spinelli, L.P., tells mbg. “And they find adult responsibilities truly challenging.” Kiley may have focused on men in his research, but Peter Pan syndrome can apply to any gender. “In today’s day and age, we don’t have those kinds of gender stereotypes, so we really want to be more open in how we apply it,” confirms Spinelli. Peter Pan syndrome is not an official diagnosis or mental health condition recognized by the World Health Organization or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Still, it helps to put a name to the Peter Pan warning signs we may see in the people around us or in ourselves. Say you had helicopter parents who were always around and super involved in your life. They took care of everything and tended to be a little overprotective. They may have cheered you on and kept you safe, but they were also creating a shaky foundation for your adult self—one where you felt unsure or anxious when it came time to make a decision or do something for yourself. (This could also be the case for those with controlling parents or snowplow parents.) On the other end of the spectrum, say you grew up in an abusive or neglectful household where you were always shut down. “Again, you never really learned how to be an adult,” says Spinelli. The fear and insecurity you grew up with manifests into an adult who isn’t sure of themselves and is afraid of doing the wrong thing. So they avoid doing anything. And if you came from a place of economic or emotional hardship, where you never learned how to handle money or relationships, the idea of staying in a state where that stuff didn’t matter so much can be appealing. In the end, all it all comes down to is what you learned as a kid, and what your parents or guardians modeled for you. “I don’t think that patients suffering from Peter Pan syndrome have the capacity to recognize that they are suffering,” Khurana tells mbg. “They have been in this situation/mindset for most of their life and don’t know any different.” What you don’t want to do is combat their Peter Pan tendencies, says Khurana. Being the adult to their Peter Pan may only push them further into their childlike disposition. If you feel like your relationship has a Peter Pan in it, then it may be time for a talk. Make space for curiosity and figure out about the life they’ve lived before you. It’s better to be on the same page about your relationship than coast through it with no idea where you see it going or if your partner is capable of giving you what you want in a relationship. With a unique view on life, she taps into her own experiences to guide folks to live life for themselves, empowering them to explore their inner wild and find their own way in adulthood. Her weekly newsletter is a tiny way she furthers her mission to hold space for the unfathomable, romantic, and messy parts of life that make it that much more beautiful.
