But shame, inadequacy, and anxiety are themselves huge barriers to orgasm. That means part of learning to reach orgasm is releasing the expectations we’re placing on ourselves to have them. Not all sex needs to include orgasms. Instead, focus your sexual experiences on feeling the most pleasure possible. If you’re having fun and feeling good, that’s what matters. Low libido can also be tied to hormonal imbalances. Some medications like antidepressants or birth control pills can also reduce key arousal-related hormonal functions. Check your medications, and talk to your doctor about swapping meds to see if this improves your arousal and sensation. Find ways to de-stress, especially around the experience of intimacy. Go slowly. Make sure you feel safe and have a strong sexual connection with your partner. (Here are a few ways to make sex better for women, in general.) The important thing here is that because of the brain’s neuroplasticity, our bodies and neural networks can be retrained. So consider what makes you feel aroused, and identify what path your arousal takes. Does it peak, then stop? Does it fizzle out? Does it never get liftoff? Find a metaphor for what you’d like to happen instead. For example, if your arousal just suddenly stops mid-coitus, you might imagine instead the nonstop, exhilarating loss of control, akin to how you might feel on a roller coaster. Once you find the metaphor that you want, try meditating—or better yet, masturbating—while imagining your metaphor for orgasm. Get yourself on a steady diet of exploratory self-pleasure at least once a week. Ditch the goal of having orgasms during this, too. Just pay attention to how you feel, where you feel sensation, and what thoughts or stimuli most put you in the mood. Pleasure is the goal, not orgasms. Here are a few ways to make masturbation feel better, plus a guide to tantric masturbation, which is a more intentional and sensory way of masturbating. With time, focus, and ample self-love, amazing things can happen.
