“I’d love that,” she said. “But most of all, I’d love some fresh orange juice.” A few minutes later, he returned and handed her the soup. “Thanks, Jason,” she said. “But what I really want is the orange juice.” Jason’s smile turned into a frown, and then he looked angry. “Well, I’m sorry,” he said, angrily. “I forgot. Look, it’s just never enough for you, is it?” Kim left the interaction feeling frustrated and disappointed, while Jason felt unfairly criticized and unappreciated. What if he had said, “I’m sorry; I totally forgot. Should I go back and get some? I know you wanted that most.” Imagine how different they would have both felt, whether or not he ended up going back. But Jason’s knee-jerk defensiveness created a cloud that hung over the two of them for the rest of the day. In my work as a marriage counselor and love coach, I have heard some version of this story thousands of times. I would argue that defensiveness is one of the biggest troublemakers in relationships, as at least a quarter of the work I do with couples is to help them learn to hear one another instead of simply responding. Many of us struggle with being open to complaints, protests, or concerns, quick to shield ourselves with the armor of defensiveness rather than address the issue at hand. Defensiveness shuts down communication, buries goodwill, and turns a simple human exchange (like forgetting the orange juice) into a potentially heavy issue between people that seldom gets discussed but gets acted out through behaviors like withdrawing, withholding, and resenting. Additionally, defensiveness requires a lot of energy to maintain. Although it’s meant to minimize our feelings of shame, it actually deepens them. Moreover, defensive behavior from one partner will likely lead the other partner to shut down emotionally. While that might feel good in the short run, these emotions will eventually emerge, either in explosions of rage or acts of passive revenge, such as sharp-edged teasing, couched criticisms, or the withholding of love, sex, and expressions of appreciation. So why do we do it? What makes some people so sensitive as to perceive criticism and attack where there is none, while others can respond with open curiosity when someone criticizes them? Inborn temperament is involved—some people are simply born with thinner skin than others. Childhood history is also another factor that can determine your reaction style and intensity. Your childhood history deeply informs how you respond to criticism. If family members or other important adults shamed, belittled, or punished you harshly when you were a child, as an adult you still may feel the need to try to protect yourself whenever someone seems angry with you. This is an unconscious, automatic response to a perceived danger. We are all wired to protect ourselves with a fight, flight, or freeze response. If a cougar attacks us, we adopt one of those stress responses. As a child, if an angry parent says to us, “You forgot to empty the garbage; you’re hopeless,” it can feel almost as distressful and dangerous as an attack from a cougar. Then, as adults, we may react to even a tiny criticism by instinctively freezing—that is, we do whatever we can to keep the complainer from continuing to express negative comments. When your partner says, “Hey, you forgot the orange juice,” or, “I was upset you told your friends we had a fight,” these statements aren’t actually sources of danger. But to our emotional brain, they may feel like danger, and we instantly act to try to protect ourselves. I’ve developed a list of strategies to help you combat defensiveness in your relationship and help both you and your partner feel more secure Below are some tips for dealing with defensive behavior in your partner: Relationships are hard, and doubly so when defensive behavior makes it impossible to discuss issues. I’ve published over 80 articles on relationships, four of which were specifically about defensive behavior, and I received a much greater response to those four articles in part because this behavior can be so frustrating and confusing. Whether you decide to make some changes at home or seek the help of a therapist in dealing with this issue, it’s important to take action and realize that defensiveness is not a permanent, immutable condition; it’s a learned behavior that can be unlearned with work, commitment, and support.
