Sure, sleeping with someone outside of the relationship behind one partner’s back is pretty undoubtedly considered cheating. But what about frequently hanging out with someone you’re sexually attracted to? The latter, and more obscure, scenario could fall under the umbrella of “micro cheating.” This subtle form of cheating doesn’t involve physical intimacy with the other (i.e. they haven’t kissed or had sex with another person), but the actions do break a couple’s agreements about romantic exclusivity in other ways. “Many people don’t consider emotional affairs to be cheating since they aren’t having sex,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman writes for mbg. “But it is the secrecy and betrayal of trust that creates the most damage.” But in general, here are some behaviors that likely count as micro-cheating in a typical monogamous relationship, according to Muñoz: To keep yourself honest and determine whether the connections are harmless or inappropriate, she recommends asking yourself: What would my partner think/feel if they saw me doing this? Or: Does doing this deepen my connection to my partner, or distance me from my partner? Zimmerman says this subtler form of cheating often starts by accident. “What begins as a work dinner, a message from an old friend or flame, or a shared workout at the gym can be developed into a flirtation and an intimate affair,” she writes. “Many people have these interactions without it turning into cheating. Others, especially those who aren’t completely fulfilled in their own relationships, begin to indulge the feelings of validation, attraction, and excitement.” Micro-cheating can be caused by a momentary lapse of judgment, but it could also be a sign that the relationship isn’t right for you. “Some affairs are what I call ‘can openers’—a way to end your partnership even when you didn’t know you wanted out,” Nelson says. “It’s an unconscious way to wake yourself up to the fact that it really is over.” All that said, a relationship isn’t necessarily over if there’s been micro-cheating in the past. “If both people are open to learning about their own contribution to the problems in the [relationship], if they’re willing to learn how to take responsibility for themselves, they can actually create a much better relationship than they had before,” psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., previously told mbg. It’s important for the person who has been micro-cheating to understand how it makes their partner feel and to commit to changing their behavior. This also includes ending any current “micro-affairs” they may be having. Once those micro-affairs have been ended, both partners can work on rebuilding the relationship—if they choose to, that is. (Here’s more on how to stop cheating, if this is something you personally struggle with.) “You can talk about the boundaries that help you both feel safe when it comes to flirtation, erotic images, ‘best friends,’ close work colleagues, etc.,” Muñoz says. Additionally, couples can make a “fierce honesty” pact, where they both agree to be more open with their impulses and urges. This can help boost confidence when either partner is feeling insecure, she explains. If you’re wondering whether your actions count as micro-cheating or are worried your partner might be doing it to you, it may be time to have an open, vulnerable conversation with one another about the issue.
