“Loneliness is a deeper thing because it’s more of a psychological state where people feel like their relationships, the quantity of their relationships, the quality of their relationships, are not where they need to be,” Jackson explains. “You can be lonely and not be alone. You can literally be surrounded by a whole bunch of people and still feel like you’re lonely.” In the context of a marriage, if your marriage isn’t fulfilling your need for companionship, love, affection, or other social needs, you may very well feel lonely despite technically having a life partner. “Physical proximity isn’t the sole factor when it comes to experiencing closeness in a relationship,” explains licensed marriage therapist Beverley Andre, LMFT. “You have to consider emotional proximity—how in tune are you with your partner? If there is an emotional gap [or] chasm in the relationship, your partner could be sitting next to you, and still feel oceans apart.” Here are some things that can cause partners to feel distant from each other and therefore feel lonely, according to Jackson and Andre: When couples fall into the monotony of daily life without making intentional time to connect as a couple, the relationship can begin to feel stale and lack affection. This can create feelings of loneliness if one or both parties feel like they’re not receiving special, romantic attention, time, or energy from their spouse. Spending all your energy on caring for others and not receiving any dedicated affection yourself can feel isolating, not to mention draining. It’s easy to fall into the trap of making your spouse wholly responsible for your sense of fulfillment and validation, Jackson says. But people need to be able to feel full and complete on their own as individuals, whether they’re in a long-term relationship or not. In other words, your marriage cannot be the only thing that keeps you from feeling lonely. “You shouldn’t be seeking full validation from your partner when you’re married,” Jackson says. “You can’t look for another person, whether that is your spouse, to fulfill you 110%. You have to be happy with you. You have to give your own self joy. You have to have your own career goals. You have to have your own passions.” If the idea of having a feeling of a totally complete life outside of your partner—and having goals and relationships outside your marriage that make you feel full—makes you feel uncomfortable or scared, it’s probably a good sign that this is something you need to work on. “People often think that their partners are mindreaders, and their partner is not a mindreader,” Jackson says. “You might be feeling lonely or alone in your marriage, but your partner might not be feeling that way.” So say it out loud to your partner so they know something is off in your marriage, Jackson says. Once they’re on the same page as you, then you can work together to figure out how to help you feel less lonely. “Backtrack and see if you both can identify when the shift started happening, and collaborate on ways to mitigate the feelings of loneliness,” she says. “If this is proving to be difficult, seek professional help in order to work strategically as a unit.” “When you can speak your partner’s love language,” Jackson notes, “there’s no room for them to feel lonely because they’re going to feel loved and appreciated and heard and respected.” There are also a plethora of relationship resources, such as books about relationships, online courses, and virtual couples’ events, that can help couples get some more support. Jackson recommends The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver. “I believe if both parties are intentional about doing the repair work together, progress can happen,” Andre notes. “However, if the level of investment changes for one or both in the marriage, and there is no self-motivation to fight for the marriage, a conversation may need to be had about what decisions protect the mental wellness of the parties involved.” If this is you, it’s time to move your relationship from codependent to interdependent by prioritizing your own wholeness. What fills you up? What hobbies and passions can you lean into to light up your world, outside of your marriage? How can you start to nurture the other relationships in your life, including friends and family? It may be time to start making some new connections (here’s our guide on how to make friends as an adult, if you need it!), in addition to working toward an internally sourced feeling of fulfillment. If you’re feeling lonely in your marriage, start by talking to your partner about what you’re feeling and how you can increase feelings of intimacy between you. At the same time, look within: How can you find ways to feel full on your own, as an individual? With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
