Now I see that it was all a story I was telling myself. A completely optional story. It’s all subjective. Case in point: I’ve coached women who believed stories similar to the ones I used to tell myself, and yet there are plenty of women who told themselves very different stories about their motherhood decision, as illustrated in Meghan Daum’s anthology Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids. At the end of the day, we can find evidence to support any story we tell. So why not look for evidence to support beautiful stories about our lives? Stories that help us become the best versions of ourselves? Because as research professor Dr. Brené Brown says, “The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness.” So let’s say you decide not to have kids. What will you make that mean? And does that make you feel like crap? Regardless of what you choose, you’re the one who decides what stories you tell yourself. Choosing not to have kids doesn’t have to mean anything horrible. In fact, it doesn’t have to mean anything at all. It can just be. So if there’s a person who desperately wants you to have a baby, know that they’ll be OK should you decide not to become a mother. Your not having kids could never make them feel bad—just like your having kids could never make them feel good. Any emotions they feel will be created by their own thoughts, and that’s their own responsibility. I recommend doing your best to feel good about how you communicate your decision and letting go of the rest. Here’s the best way I know to process any emotion: Even if you’re experiencing frustrating indecision right now, know that this experience is still important. This is you realizing your own power in creating the life you want—one you love deeply.
