Psychologist and relationship expert Margaret Paul, Ph.D., notes that pretending to oneself is the most common pretending of all. “I have worked with people who kid themselves into thinking they are over an ex when they really aren’t,” she says. “Many people don’t want to do the inner work to really be over an ex” and simply pretend to have moved on. Now, it’s important to note that while people may be pretending or kidding themselves, this isn’t always the case: It’s possible that they have truly moved on. But to be sure, the following signs likely indicate your ex hasn’t actually moved on and is at least partially pretending. (Here’s when to reach out to an ex and when to avoid it, FYI.) “Listen to what your partner says,” he notes, “because even if underneath there are still a lot of feelings for you, they’re going to act as if that’s not true. So take that really seriously—take their words really seriously because there’s a deep tendency to hope for something different, but their words and behaviors are mostly all you have to work with.” At the end of the day, whether you want closure, to get back together, or for them to stop reaching out, a conversation should probably be had. “Maybe you ask your ex [if they’re pretending to be over you] directly, or you be brave and vulnerable enough to express what it is that you are feeling,” Page notes. Ask yourself what you need, and be open and honest with them. “Ask them any question you have. That’s a really important thing for people to know. In a breakup you have a right to ask yourself, What do I need for resolution?” Page says. But according to him, “the biggest tip for moving on from a relationship is being able to ask for clarity and truth and to ask for clarity and truth in a kind and caring way.” When you get the closure you wanted, and know it’s time to step away, set any boundaries you may need. After that, there’s virtually always inner work to be done in order to fully move on. Focus on loving yourself after a breakup, both for the sake of honoring your authentic self, but also knowing it will only help you attract someone better suited to you next time around, Paul says. When we don’t do this necessary inner work, she adds, we likely either “won’t move on or will choose a similar relationship next time around.” If you think you might want to get back together—and your ex does, too—it’s important to get very clear on what went wrong the first time around and how things will be different going forward. (Check out our full guide on how to know whether you should get back together.)
