Contrary to (gendered) popular belief, it’s not true that men are always down and ready for sex. While foreplay is often seen as a crucial element for women to fully enjoy intimacy, that sort of thoughtful seduction is rarely applied to men and how their partners can also make them feel special, sexy, and wanted. No matter the genders involved, turning each other on is essential to prime intimacy with the emotional readiness needed to access deeper, feverish states of desire. Because of that, you shouldn’t rely on a person’s body cues alone as permission to push things further. “It is always important to verbally check in with your partner, whether it be a casual hookup or someone you’ve been with for five-plus years. Remember that physical stimulation does not necessarily equal mental stimulation, so check in with him and make sure he is relaxed and enjoying what is happening too,” she says. “Feel confident by being unapologetically yourself at all times. Confidence isn’t a personality trait. It’s a series of intentional and repetitive behaviors. Often, you’re worried about if your orgasm is coming, if your boobs are perky, or what your O-face looks like,” she says. “Put your full attention on the sensations you’re experiencing every step of the way.” (Here’s more on how to build confidence.) (Here’s our full guide to sexting, FYI!) Turner recommends pleasure mapping, which is an exercise that teaches you where your erogenous zones are, the body parts with heightened sensitivity, like the back of your neck, inner thighs, and earlobes. “Once you find those areas, try various ways to stimulate them with kissing, licking, nibbling, stroking, etc. Offer to blindfold or restrain your partner for more intense sensations!” Helpful reminder that if your S.O. is going through a stressful period, it’ll be hard to think about pleasure if they’re barely meeting their basic needs. To keep your sex life vibrant, she advises being conscious of both of your health levels by staying hydrated, eating well, and sleeping enough. When trying out new sex positions, approach it with a sense of humor. It’s OK to laugh if it doesn’t work out! What’s important is going into it with willingness and a nonjudgmental attitude. “Spontaneity is a great way to keep the spark alive in your sex life. Plan on lying on the bed naked for him to ravish you when he comes home,” Violet suggests as an example. Of course, don’t forget consent here: “Make sure he would be willing to receive these surprises by gauging his mood before arriving.” “This one is so important! Depending on the love language of your partner, or what arouses them, play on that. Whether it’s cooking a meal or showing them a new position that you’ve learned, these behaviors show that you’ve put effort into having sex, and that can make a person feel desired and ready to give,” she says. Turner breaks down the different love languages and how you can appeal to it with a turn-on. But the fun shouldn’t stop there. Once you’re both done showing what you like, talk about the fantasies openly afterward to amplify the arousal or role-play it out and get each other off. “My sex coaching clients love sexy truth-or-dare sticks as a fun and easy way to get to know each other better, explore fun new sexy activities, and feel more connected and confident,” she says. Another benefit is it removes all of the potential awkwardness out of presenting a new fetish and position that may feel strange or taboo to say out loud otherwise. (Here are some of our fave sex games for couples.) “Try tossing a ball back and forth, breathing together, or hugging for an extended period,” she says. Doing breathwork together is also a great way to loosen up and connect. “We want to stay in the present moment but need an anchor—dirty talking is your key to staying present. Saying ‘choke me’ or ‘kiss me’ helps incorporate your entire body into the act, with no room for your mind to wander. Done right, your raunchy words can linger in someone’s mind and inspire more lusty acts in the future,” she says. With practice, it’ll soon begin to feel intuitive and natural. LaPaix shares a list of some examples you can say: However, LaPaix notes dirty talk might not be a turn-on for some since preferences are so broad and individual to each person. Above all, it’s important to look for consensuality to ensure joyful reciprocation. “It is imperative that you know if the other person finds dirty talk distracting and/or revolting before using it. The key is to be in tune with your partner’s needs.” “It gives you a chance to share your desires without as much awkwardness or pressure. Plus, they allow you to address issues as they arise,” Scalisi notes. “I challenge you to push past your shyness and give your lover a good look in the eyes, while you get a good look of soaking up their face as they get in the mood,” Cherie says. “If your masculine partner has a penis, you can most definitely have some fun with it before it even touches your lips. Balls can be an important addition in helping make him come,” Cherie says. “Be sure to stroke the skin of them or massage them gently to add extra sensation.” “If you are wanting to channel some submissive energy into your play, you can slowly [take off] their clothes by pulling his zipper with your teeth,” she says. “Extra tip: Wear a shirt that either unties or buttons. The ’take off’ is much more sexy than wrestling with getting your shirt over your head.” She points out this is super sexy because men are generally not socialized to see the value in slowing down when receiving pleasure and learning about someone’s body. In the mad rush for penetration, though, you risk missing out on all of the feelings (excitement, nervousness, pure rapture) that spring up during those in-between moments.
