If any of this rings a bell for you, know that you’re already moving in the right direction. Self-awareness is the first step to healing. Ahead, we’ve gathered therapists’ advice on how to heal from so-called clinginess and how to become more secure in your relationships. However, these “clingy” behaviors often tend to do the very opposite, alienating and ultimately pushing away the very person who the “clingy” partner is desperate to keep close. “Clingy behavior comes from a person’s desire to fulfill their unmet needs, whether it be emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental,” couples’ therapist Beverley Andre, LMFT, recently told mbg. “The person is experiencing fear and anxiety that is attached to a belief they won’t get their needs met, so they cling even harder to a person or situation to prevent the risk of this happening.” At core, “clingy” behavior is tied to underlying attachment issues, in particular having an anxious attachment style. “Attachment develops in infancy between parent and child. How a parent responds to their child impacts attachment style,” couples’ therapist Aparna Sagaram, LMFT, recently told mbg. “If a child is unsure how a parent will react or the parent is inconsistent with responses, the child is likely going to develop an anxious attachment. Your attachment style to caregivers is most likely the same attachment style you will develop with a romantic partner.” (Here’s our guide on how to find a therapist, as well as affordable online therapy options to consider.) According to attachment theory, all of us have one of four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Clingy behavior is most associated with the anxious attachment style, so it’s important to really learn about the science of attachment and how your attachment style might be affecting you. The goal is to eventually move toward a secure attachment style. We’ve got a roundup of the best attachment books to help you start your learning, but it’s also often helpful to work through attachment wounds with a therapist. If you tend to be clingy, your partner is probably aware and has some thoughts about it. While it can be nerve-wracking to openly discuss this vulnerability of yours, these conversations will help you both understand each other better and hopefully help you both communicate more clearly about your needs. “Healing looks like getting clear on your needs. It also looks like allowing people in and taking small risks to trust they will show up for you,” says Sagaram. “It also helps to state to your partner that you are worried about the reaction if you express a need. Vulnerability goes a long way in relationships and has the potential to heal anxious attachments. The right person will want to make you feel emotionally safe in a relationship.” Suh even recommends trying to create your own boundaries in the relationship that help facilitate your healing. For example, she says you might consider mutually agreeing to limit the frequency of your texting and calling. By directly setting up this understanding between you, it can help you to alleviate any anxiety about not receiving texts constantly throughout the day—because you’ve both agreed not to do that already. While you should always be able to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling, it’s also important to recognize that it’s not your partner’s responsibility to manage your feelings of insecurity. This is something you’ll need to figure out how to do on your own. What are some healthy ways you can cope with feelings of anxiousness around your relationship—and, over time, reduce them? “Live your life!” says Suh. “Meet and make new friends, develop new interests, learn a new hobby, or get involved in productive social gatherings.” Fill your life with love so you’re not dependent on one relationship to sustain you. That said, there are ways for you to support your partner’s healing journey by going the extra mile to help them feel secure in the relationship, she says, such as by expressing to your partner often that you do love and cherish them, planning and having purposeful quality time, and making sure to consistently be honest and follow through on promises. At the same time, Suh also recommends setting healthy boundaries in the relationship to make sure they’re not saddling you with too much responsibility for their sense of wholeness. “Communicate any feelings about clingy behaviors in ‘I’ messages without any blame,” she recommends. “Talk in clear language [about] what is acceptable and is not tolerated.” “Clinginess” can sometimes become possessive if the behavior becomes excessive, habitual, and unrecognized, says Suh, adding that a possessive person can sometimes start to disrespect and even dehumanize their partner. “The best way to keep in check is to be very honest to yourself and accept that there may be an issue,” she says. If it feels like you two are struggling to navigate these challenges on your own, don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional to get support, says Suh. Individual or couples’ therapy can help you both communicate better about your needs and boundaries and help your partner work through the attachment issues they may be dealing with. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
