So here are six proactive steps to prepare yourself for breaking up with someone you love and really move on: Have you been lowering your standards and accepting far less than you deserve? Imagine you’re helping your best friend gain perspective on their relationship. What would you be pointing out to them about their partner? Take a heartfelt inventory of how much pain, anxiety, sadness, and disappointment you’ve been experiencing (or suppressing). Accept that you are no longer willing to have that as part of your daily experience. Allow the pain of your reality to be fully experienced in your heart—as opposed to your head. This discomfort will start providing the necessary drive for the impending change that’s to come. If you numb the pain now, it will only be exacerbated over time. For example, we may think things like, “I’ve never experienced such intense emotion with someone, so they must be my soul mate. There are always difficulties with your soul mate, right?” Or “If I let go of this relationship, I will never experience this depth of love with anyone again.” The truth is that the attachment and dependency you feel may be intensified because of the “myths” about your partner and/or the relationship that you’ve had to create unconsciously as a way of dealing with the difficulties. Ask yourself honestly if the “pros” of the relationship you think about are a way of justifying it, despite your pain. In my coaching work with couples, I’ve seen firsthand the very destructive power of hanging onto relationships that aren’t ultimately right for those involved. When you feel emotionally tied to someone who brings more pain than goodness into your life, you create a vicious cycle: attachment breeding fear of separation, which then fuels further attachment and codependency. In other words, you can feel completely tethered to someone, dependent on them for almost everything in your life, even if they are totally not right for you. For many, this is the hardest fact to accept in the process of realizing the need to let someone go. To get to a place where this feels easier, you may first want to examine the needs your current partner has been meeting in your life. From there, you can consider healthier alternatives. Is the relationship meeting your needs for security and safety? A sense of adventure and passion? Do you feel validated and unique by the way they treat you (some of the time), or perhaps it’s more a sense of connecting with someone so you don’t have to be alone? If you can start figuring out how to own your needs that are not being met, and subsequently realize that you can find a relationship that will meet your needs, the change can happen with much less pain and fear. This support group can include friends, family, coaches, therapists, or anyone who can safely hold a higher vision for you as you navigate through this difficult change. It’s important to be specific with them about what you need in terms of accountability, connection, and heart space. Do you need to move out? Do you need to hire a lawyer? If finances are involved, what might the transition look like? Oftentimes, we feel like we have to decide between two bad choices. However, there’s always a third choice if you’re willing to dig deep. Moving forward doesn’t have to wait until you have a perfect plan because—let’s face it—there’s no perfect plan nor a perfect time to do this. Breathe, move, and connect to the vision of the future that you want. From this emotional space, you can then have a conversation with your partner. Making the decision to leave someone you love but isn’t right for you is never easy. But it can be made simpler. All you need to do is honestly and deeply consider what your heart craves, needs, and deserves.
