This guide was created with the help of Kayla Katz, MSW, RCSWI, a domestic abuse education and action advocate at Ruth and Norman Rales Jewish Family Services, and Gabrielle Powell, a victim services coordinator for a New York City–based victim services program. You may feel terrified, alone, and unsure of what to do, but know that there are people who are committed to finding you a safe place to call home. You do not have to go through any of this alone. If you have access to a phone right now and can make an uninterrupted phone call at this very moment, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at the number listed above to speak with someone who can help you figure out where to go and guide you through all the steps of this process. “If you are unsure about technology surveillance and cannot safely hide documents, it may not be best to use your phone or personal computer,” she says. “Try using other people’s phones or public computers to look up information.” As you’re thinking about your next steps, also remember the most important thing is to get to a safe place. After you’re in a safe place and away from your abuser, you can worry about things like finding a new place to live, finding a job, getting counseling, etc. If you worry enabling password protection might draw attention from your abuser, try to obtain a basic, cheap, prepaid phone from the store or ask a friend to help you get one. That may be even better since its existence won’t be known to your abuser. “Some victims have to start from scratch after leaving their abusers, and that is where DV shelters, victim advocates, and social workers come in to assist them in that process and help them become self-sufficient,” Katz explains. She also adds that some shelters “provide temporary financial assistance as well as encourage, and pay for vocational training to help victims obtain employment” and “assist with relocation costs and other temporary financial support such as access to [food pantries].” Katz recommends starting with resources like the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or The Hotline websites to find shelters in your area. Since finding a safe place to relocate will be a priority, it’s important to know the addresses and phone numbers associated with shelters you can turn to for assistance. If you don’t have stable internet access or the ability to use a device with internet connectivity, the next time you are in contact with a friend or loved one you trust, consider asking them to do the research for you and record the information on paper. Some cities have shelters that are exclusively for women which can cause problems for men and trans and gender-nonconforming folks. For people who need access to LGBTQIA+-friendly shelters or spaces specifically for men, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to chat with an advocate who can help you find a shelter that will be safe for you. You might consider opening a separate bank account at a new bank your abuser doesn’t use. Note that opening a bank account on your own requires access to different identification documents like a driver’s license or state ID, birth certificate or other proof of name and birthdate, proof of residency, and sometimes even a Social Security card. These requirements vary by type of bank and the bank itself, but those requirements are listed on official bank websites. Powell says that “collecting necessities gradually can help keep the [abusive] individual unaware. That includes gathering/applying for documents, clothes, and children’s needs. Slowly leaving these items with a trusted person, or in a space where the abuser won’t check, is better than out in the open.” Alternatively, make a list of your most important items so that, when it’s time to leave, you’re able to quickly pack and leave without worrying about what to bring. In case you have to leave in a hurry, you can grab what you need and go. Having a list of items to use as a guide can help make this process a bit easier. If you’re in the process of making the decision to leave an abusive relationship, know that there are resources you can turn to to help you navigate this difficult situation. “Being afraid of not only the abuser but the future is normal. It’s OK to try to work on the issues that come up one at a time,” Powell says. Here are the signs you’re ready to leave your abusive relationship and ways to find the strength to leave your abusive relationship. Once you have a clear understanding of where you’ll physically leave from, write down the directions to the first place you’ll go once you leave. Is it a shelter? A friend’s house? A family member’s place of work? If possible, use the internet to find the directions to that location and write them down so you don’t need your phone or the internet to get to that location in the future. Do the same for a few other locations as well. It can also be helpful to write down step-by-step instructions for yourself to use in the future in case you have to leave in a hurry or in case stress causes you to forget things. Some examples of things on the list can include but aren’t limited to, “unlock the back window,” “grab the money taped under the dresser,” “remember your phone charger,” “bring a snack for the walk to the shelter,” etc. Maybe you can just walk out of the front door. If so, do that. You can do it. When? “It is always recommended to leave when the abuser isn’t around and avoid confronting them at all,” Powell says. While specific rules regarding restraining orders vary by state, the basic process includes going to court to file a petition, filling out forms, a form review by a judge, further reviews by other officials, and attending a hearing. Eligibility to apply for an order of protection is limited to spouses (both current and those you are separated or divorced from), people related by blood or marriage, people you have a child in common with, and people with which you have an intimate relationship. In some places, you can file a petition electronically, but in other cases, you will file the petition in the county where you or your abuser lives. If you are living in a domestic violence shelter or a place you’d like to remain confidential for safety reasons, do not file the petition in a courthouse in your county. There are no fees to file a petition for an order of protection, and if you’re a minor, you may be able to obtain one with the help of the family court system. Also, even though having a lawyer is not required, it is recommended to hire one—especially if you think your abuser will hire one. If you cannot afford a lawyer, you can ask the court to assign you one. In all cases, be sure to have a record of, and bring any files relevant to, police reports related to your abuser. Even though it might feel like you need your abuser in your life, you don’t. Instead, rely on the countless resources for people escaping abusive relationships and let them help you. Not only are these people trained to help people who are in your exact situation, but they’ve also elected to be in these jobs for a reason: They genuinely care about your health, safety, and well-being. They can point you in the direction of therapists, religious leaders, counselors, and so many other resources that can help you on your unique journey to safety and peace. This may be the most difficult thing you’ll ever experience in your life, so be patient with yourself as you navigate all of this. You’re strong, you’re courageous, and you’re on the path to healing. Applaud yourself. Be sure to take full advantage of the resources that domestic violence shelters have to offer so that you can limit your chances of going back to your abuser. Powell notes that “domestic-violence-centered programs can offer a host of supports. There are government, social agencies, and organizations expected to guide folks toward the programs they need. Those can include hospitals, clinics (like Planned Parenthood), police precincts, etc. There are varying experiences with all of these, however. If using these resources, self-advocacy can be really important.” Many shelters will offer you resources to help you get on your feet, so don’t let money be the reason you stay with your abuser. “These shelters have funding to assist with relocation assistance and have advocates that will work with survivors to help them become self-sufficient,” Katz explains. Reach out to your local shelter to find out about what services they have. Many will be able to ensure you have access to meals, give you a roof over your head, and help you find stable housing, and even help you with finding a job. It’s particularly important for boys and men to reach out to domestic violence hotlines to find options for housing, healing, and recovery that take into account the unique struggles of male survivors. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (number listed below) and ask for services for men specifically. You are not alone. National Sexual Assault Hotline: (800) 656-HOPE Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project: 1-800-832-1901 Monday thru Friday from 1 p.m. to 9 p.m., Pacific Time (Monday thru Friday from 4 p.m. to midnight, Eastern Time) Saturday from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m., Pacific Time (Saturday from noon to 5 p.m., Eastern Time) Jesi is also a Mellon Mays Undergraduate Research Fellow, Leader Alliance Mellon Initiative Fellow, Rosen Fellow, and a CUNY Pipeline for Careers in College Teaching and Research Fellow. Their research and academic work focuses on how structural violence impacts interpersonal social relations and Black maternal health.
