Basically, almost anything can be messing with your ability to reach orgasm. “Anorgasmia is just another way of saying problems having orgasms,” psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, Psy.D., tells mbg. “It is not a specific physical condition,” adds AASECT-certified sex therapist Diana Urman, LCSW, Ph.D. “And since the term orgasm is vaguely defined, the term anorgasmia isn’t well defined either.” In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5), anorgasmia is called “female orgasmic disorder” for people with vulvas and “delayed ejaculation” for people with penises. “I choose not to use these diagnoses because they are gendered and pathologize normal variations in human sexuality. I prefer to use language like ‘problems having orgasms,’ as this feels more reflective of the situation,” Fogel Mersy notes. While it’s common for women to struggle with orgasm, it’s not because it’s “naturally” harder for women to climax than it is for men. The vast majority of women can reach orgasm from masturbation; it’s heterosexual partnered sex that’s not particularly stimulating, largely because penis-in-vagina intercourse usually doesn’t stimulate the clitoris, the main source of women’s pleasure. (Here’s more on the science of orgasms.) “Anorgasmia can be diagnosed via physical examination or medical history, or both, but it doesn’t have to, as generally speaking, any difficulties with achieving orgasm over a short or extended period of time can be called anorgasmia without having a medical professional to diagnose it,” Urman explains. Here are a few helpful ways to know if you might have anorgasmia: But if you’re consistently having trouble reaching orgasm in all circumstances, it’s worth checking in with your doctor. Likewise, if you’ve noticed a significant change in your experience of orgasm or your ability to reach orgasm, that’s something to talk to a professional about just in case there’s a physical cause that should be addressed. Notably, not all doctors are trained to treat sexual issues, especially the ones pertaining to pleasure. It can thus also be really helpful to work with a sex therapist, as sex therapists are specifically trained to treat you for any sexual dysfunction and help you figure out what’s keeping you from having pleasurable, orgasmic sex. If you think your relationship with sex could be better, it can be helpful to listen to some sex-positive podcasts or read some modern books about sex. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, The Sexually Liberated Woman by Ev’Yan Whitney, Becoming Cliterate by Laurie Mintz, and Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown are a few great places to start. Experiment with different types of masturbation techniques, pick up some new kinds of sex toys, and watch different types of porn to see if something gets you particularly turned on or can uniquely push you to orgasm. A 2019 study3 found people who practice mindfulness have more sexual satisfaction, and another study4 found people who meditate have better sexual functioning. Urman also recommends working to improve body awareness and minimize stress, both of which mindfulness can help with immensely. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
