What is this couple doing? In sex therapy we call it “simmering.” Simmering means taking a quick moment to feel excited with your partner, even under conditions where sex is not going to be practical. That generally means no orgasms, no rhythmic stroking, no heavy breathing. Nothing that’s going to leave you too frustrated after you have to stop. Couples who are overworked and distracted (i.e., most of us) often neglect to get aroused in each other’s company unless they intend to have sex. That’s a mistake. Most couples need to get aroused together much more frequently than that. In sex therapy we often counsel people to enjoy brief moments of arousal together for no reason at all, except that it feels good. Teenagers simmer all the time. Here’s a classic example: Two young people are high school sweethearts. During a five-minute break between classes, they meet at a prearranged spot. They smile, kiss, stroke each other’s hair, and enjoy each other’s scent. They embrace and their bodies mold together. Then the bell rings. They hold each other’s gaze for a long moment, steal one more kiss, then run off in different directions. You remember the feeling, right? You get to your next class feeling somewhat buzzed. The intoxication, of course, is sexual arousal in action—making you just a little more distracted than usual. There’s no reason that older couples can’t get just as distracted in the privacy of their own bedrooms and kitchens. All that’s necessary is to recognize that there’s more to sexual arousal than just sex. Simmering helps cultivate the right kind of erotic climate in a relationship. Most couples’ erotic climate is sustained more by simmering than by sex. At the end of the day, two minutes getting excited together before falling asleep can do a lot to keep your sexual self happy. Grind up against your partner in bed and say, “This is just simmering, OK?” Chances are, they’ll be happy for the attention. Too many couples spend their evenings curled together in front of the TV, quietly depleting whatever erotic charge might remain between them. Too much cuddling can neuter your relationship. I’d rather couples not touch each other so much, unless there’s some erotic energy to be passed around. Some people cuddle rather than simmer, because they’re afraid of frustrating their partners. They forget that physical intimacy should be a little frustrating. That’s what keeps you in the game. It’s OK. You don’t have to return your partner to a state of quiescence every time they get excited. Some women married to men try not to do anything that would give their husbands an erection. They assume that if they were responsible for him getting hard, then they’re obligated to give him an orgasm. That’s ridiculous. We men like being hard. It’s not a painful condition. Erections come and go. Not every erection has to end in orgasm. If your man doesn’t know this, he needs to learn it. Yes, I know you’re anxious about the day ahead. But this is important too. One or two minutes to simmer, on the way out the door in the morning. A pretty good recipe for keeping an erotic connection, for even the most harried modern couple. The payoff in good lovemaking later can be dramatic. Just heat and serve. Excerpted from Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder. Copyright © 2018 by the author and reprinted with permission of St. Martin’s Press, LLC.
