Could you imagine having to eat the exact same food, in the exact same quantity, at the exact same time as your partner for the rest of your lives? It would be impossible, not to mention unhealthy and incredibly boring—your bodies are different! However, for some reason, we expect our sex lives to fall into place effortlessly, and when it doesn’t happen, we feel let down. The idea of a perfect fit is a myth. If your sexual needs aren’t in sync, it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible—it means you’re normal. Don’t be discouraged by your differences—talk about what you want and be sure to frame your requests positively—not as complaints. “You’re so sexy, I love feeling your hands all over my body,” will get you a lot further than, “You never touch me.” Many people worry they’re incompatible because one person wants sex more than the other. This imbalance is going to happen, but it’s manageable if you can shift the focus away from frequency to what you’re doing to maintain and deepen your sexual connection. Flirt, send some dirty text messages, and figure out what gets your partner hot and bothered. Frequency will fall into place naturally as you take the pressure off yourselves. Let a few of these sexologist-approved tips take your sexual compatibility to another level: For the car to start moving, you need to let your foot off the brake. This means letting go or taking care of other needs that are ahead of your sexual gas pedal. For a busy mom with a sensitive brake pedal, the kids are cared for, the laundry and dishes are done, and there’s nothing else going on. Your level of arousal is the balance of the brakes and gas. Whether you’re experiencing high desire or low desire, spontaneous desire or responsive desire—you are totally normal. Your sexual compatibility will evolve and grow, and what you put into it is what you’ll get out of it.
