People can be passive-aggressive in marriages and relationships, and it’s also sometimes seen in friendships or even professional settings. But this lack of communication can ruin relationships if it endures. Even without prior experiences that would promote passive-aggression, a partner might lean on passive-aggressive behavior if they perceive it’s unsafe to express negative emotions in their marriage. Some partners even believe it’s a safe way to get what they want without sparking confrontation, while others aren’t even aware that their behavior is passive-aggressive. How to deal with it: Refrain from accusing your partner of purposefully ignoring or putting off responding to your written requests. Instead, make space for your partner to process their feelings. Ask your partner what comes up for them when they receive your emails or texts. You may find that a deeper issue exists, such as feelings of anxiety, pressure, or resentment. Listen with an open mind, and ask for alternative solutions to making time-sensitive decisions or getting communication when you need it. How to deal with it: Give your partner an opportunity to come clean about their alternative sleeping habits. If you haven’t expressed that you miss your partner’s presence in the bedroom and would like for them to sleep with you at night, now is the time to do so. If they continue to consistently sleep apart from you, then ask your partner what would need to change about the nightly routine for them to sleep in the bed with you. It is OK to ask them direct questions about their sexual desire and any concerns they may have that keep them from wanting to connect with you at night. If they reveal a deeper issue, listen respectfully and determine if both of you could benefit from seeking additional help around these issues. How to deal with it: Addressing this issue can be tricky since your partner’s behavior affects your feelings as well as other family members’. Initially refrain from discussing other family members’ feelings, which could cause your partner to feel attacked. Ask your partner about their overall experiences at family functions and allow them to give you uninterrupted feedback. Use “I” statements when you discuss your experience of their behavior. Explain how it makes you feel when they don’t confront their reasons for hanging back from family functions head-on. If you discover that deeper issues exist for your partner surrounding your family, express that you are willing to address them. Patience goes a long way. How to deal with it: If your partner consistently fails to honor your joint commitments or ignores times that you’ve blocked off on the schedule for yourself, then there may be a deeper issue surrounding scheduling brewing beneath the surface. Invite your partner to have an open dialogue about needing alone time versus couple/family time. You may discover that your partner isn’t satisfied with the current division of time. Another common issue that some partners face is adjusting their thinking to include their family versus thinking solely of their own schedule. Instead of a passive-aggressive gesture, it’s an issue of consideration. It may take time for some new spouses to adopt a team-centered approach. However, if your spouse consistently struggles with self-centered thinking, then you may want to address this issue in a therapeutic setting. Take the time to make sure your partner knows what being passive-aggressive looks like and how it’s affecting you and your relationship. If it’s too difficult to move to a healthier place of communication without help, then seek the assistance of a trusted professional or therapist. Ultimately, creating and maintaining a safe place is the key to honest and direct communication that is free of passive-aggressive behaviors. Cullins speaks to local, national, and international audiences about relationships, money matters, parenting, and the role of spirituality in achieving your personal goals, and she serves as a moderator/facilitator for community-based panel discussions sponsored by local nonprofit organizations. She previously worked as an adjunct professor and clinical supervisor at the University of Maryland at College Park, where she obtained her master’s degree in family studies, and she has intensive clinical training in working with trauma survivors. She uses empirically validated treatment modalities like cognitive-behavioral therapy and emotion-focused therapy with her clients.
