Moreover, our relationship with ourselves is the only one we’re guaranteed to have for the entirety of our lives—and so it’s worth nurturing it so we’re able to enjoy our own company as much as we do that of our friends and lovers. This self-awareness and self-tending are vital to our daily functioning, as being disconnected from our own feelings and needs often comes at the cost of our health and well-being. It’s how people can go months being exhausted and stressed at work before realizing they’re suffering from burnout or how a person in a toxic relationship will continuously abandon their own needs in pursuit of pleasing a partner who’s objectively not good for them. It’s why therapists say even the healthiest couples need alone time away from each other. According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., some people may be more predisposed to enjoying solitude. “Personality factors, such as a tendency toward extroversion, may surely contribute to a person’s ability to feel happy when they’re alone,” she tells mbg. That is, people high in extroversion (one of the so-called “Big Five personality traits”) may be more likely to struggle with alone time than introverts. That said, being able to enjoy being alone is a skill that all people benefit from. All relationships inevitably come and go, and so when we attach our happiness to other people, we relinquish power over our sense of contentment to something external and temporary. According to licensed therapist Alyssa Mancao, LCSW, the idea that our happiness depends on something outside of us is known as emotional dependence. “It is when our feelings and self-worth are based on external factors such as how another person feels about us,” she writes at mbg. The opposite side of the coin—and the goal, according to Mancao—is emotional independence. “People who possess emotional independence are able to cultivate a sense of happiness and peace despite what may be happening in their lives and relationships. This is not to say that they are never affected by things that happen outside of them, but they still have a sense of who they are and can fulfill their own needs internally,” she explains. While it’s important to be able to enjoy being alone, we still need to have meaningful relationships in our lives—including friends, family members, a larger community, co-workers, and/or romantic partners. “Even true introverts tend to thrive when they’ve a special someone (or two) to connect with,” says Manly. Humans are social creatures. We’re naturally drawn to community and seek interpersonal connection, in part because it’s necessary for our health and survival. “Loneliness and isolation can worsen physical pain, depression, and immunity,” psychiatrist Nina Vasan, M.D., MBA, previously told mbg. “It increases the risk of diseases1 like infections, heart disease, high blood pressure, and dementia.” In other words, our well-being stems from a healthy balance of both togetherness and solitude—interdependence, as it’s sometimes called. So, if you’re feeling lonely because you’re legitimately lacking meaningful connection, learning how to be happy alone could help, but forging new friendships may be just as important. In reality, there are so many ways to enjoy connection, intimacy, care, and affection with others outside of just romantic relationships. Deep friendship, family relationships, professional and creative partnerships, and engaging with a larger community can all be sources of meaningful connection with others if we open our hearts to it. There are also many benefits to being single that are less accessible within the context of a relationship. “When you are single, you are empowered to make your own choices and hold yourself accountable for those choices,” psychoanalyst and relationship expert Babita Spinelli, L.P., previously told mbg. “You learn to forge your own way, and that elevates inner confidence and resilience.” Being single can truly be a powerful catalyst for personal growth if we’re willing to truly engage with our solitude rather than constantly trying to escape from it. No matter how independent you are, being alone at home will make most people feel a bit lonely at least occasionally, and it’s OK to recognize these feelings. According to holistic therapist Rikki Clark McCoy, LCSW, the key is figuring out how to reframe the way you’re thinking about your alone time at home. “Living alone, especially if it’s for the first time or even after a transition, can be a very emotional experience,” she previously told mbg. “There may be feelings of sadness or loneliness, but living alone can also be a time of learning to love yourself.” Know that many people choose to live alone on purpose because they earnestly enjoy their solitude, and with time and a bit of a perspective shift, you can come to feel less lonely in your situation too—and even learn to love it. “Humans are naturally gregarious creatures, so it’s important to remember that you’re not ‘broken’ if you tend to feel a little blue when you’re alone,” says Manly. Some people are also more drawn to companionship than others are, she points out, so be compassionate with yourself if you’re someone that simply craves the company of others more often than not. “You’re less likely to be plunged into sadness if you don’t expect yourself to have a high happiness set point when you’re alone,” she says. “By normalizing that many people feel less happy when they’re alone, you take the pressure off yourself to make yourself be happy.” She recommends planning for alone time in advance, whether you know you have a solo weekend coming up, you just went through a breakup, or you’re moving to a new place by yourself. “Make advance plans to fill the time in enjoyable ways,” she says. “It’s often wonderful to create a list filled with a blend of to-do tasks and self-care time. This approach makes solo days feel like a nourishing balance of ‘must-do’s’ and ‘want-do-to-do’s.’” When you fill your time with activities that actually bring you pleasure, you transform alone time from a moment of lack that you’re needing to suffer through into a moment of opportunity that you’re actually excited to seize. “Strive to see solo time as the perfect chance to enjoy catching up on self-work, meditating, or sorting through stacks of unread magazines,” says Manly. “When we reframe solo time in positive ways, the body, mind, and spirit naturally begin to feel more upbeat.” (We’ve got a whole list of fun activities to do alone at the bottom of this article.) “I have found, with myself and my clients, that becoming deeply involved in a creative endeavor can go a long way toward ameliorating loneliness,” psychology expert Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. “There is something about becoming deeply involved in the creative process that fills the heart and soul with joy—even when we are creating alone.” (No idea what kind of project would speak to you? Here’s our full guide on how to find your passion.) “Although we want to be comfortable with our solitude, it is still healthy to connect with your support system,” McCoy tells mbg. “Stay connected with people who bring you joy and support you.” The surest way to feel less lonely is, in fact, to connect with others and nurture those relationships. That might mean calling up your mom more often and deepening your connection with her, or asking an old friend if they’d like to get dinner. Or, perhaps it’s time for you to look into making new friends. “This can be a 10- to 15-minute activity such as meditation, prayer, stretching, or a yoga flow,” she says. “Getting dressed can also boost your mood and help create a positive head space to tackle the day.” “Get outside for a bit of sunshine and exercise,” she says. “Even if you take a short walk, research shows that there are plenty of mood-boosting benefits when we walk, soak up a bit of nature, or simply enjoy the sun’s rays poking through the clouds.” Manly notes that people who are dealing with loneliness can sometimes resort to unhealthy habits that only exacerbate the problem—for example, eating foods that make you feel sluggish, or missing out on valuable sleep that leads to irritability and lack of energy, or becoming overly sedentary. “When we reframe solo time to envision it as the perfect opportunity to engage in amazing self-care—including loading up on yummy, nourishing food—we naturally feel happier and more balanced,” she says. That means you actually enjoy your own company, you care about your own personal development and growth, and you genuinely find value in investing time and energy into the things that nurture you—the same way you find value in investing in your connections with others. If this isn’t ringing true for you, start there. Maybe it’s about learning how to build confidence in yourself. Maybe it’s about releasing people-pleasing behavior. Maybe it’s about releasing perfectionist tendencies that lead to self-hatred. Maybe it’s about incorporating more positive affirmations into your life. Or maybe it’s simply about recognizing the ways in which your relationship with yourself can yield just as much pleasure, intimacy, affection, and support as your relationship with others. Mancao offers a thought-provoking way to begin to practice this self-validation: “The next time you are seeking validation from someone else, ask yourself, ‘What is it that I would like to hear from this person?’ Then practice saying those words to yourself.” That said, humans are naturally social creatures, and studies show interpersonal connection—whether in the form of friendships, family, professional and creative partnerships, community engagement, or romantic relationships—is vital to overall well-being. So, true happiness comes from a balance between enjoying your own company while also connecting with others in a way that feels nourishing. Alleviating feelings of loneliness starts with finding ways to truly enjoy your own company, whether that means developing peaceful morning and evening routines, embarking on a personal project or hobby that actually really excites you, or deepening your relationship with yourself and your own self-worth. Additionally, find ways to connect with others more regularly. Reach out to an old friend and make plans. Ask that co-worker to coffee. Join a community sports team or group. Start a book club. At core, learning how to be happy alone is about reframing how we think about our alone time—and how we think about ourselves. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
