For more than 17 years, I suffered from depression. I’ve been on all types of medication. Most recently, a combination of three: Wellbutrin, escitalopram, and Xanax. Medication had become part of my life, and I made peace with needing it. I understood there was a chemical imbalance in my brain, one I was likely born with, and accepted the reality of needing medication—quite possibly for the rest of my life. It wasn’t until after I stopped drinking, and my anxiety and depression began to ease, that I sought to understand the connection. Since I hadn’t connected my drinking with my depression, it wasn’t immediately apparent why my depression and anxiety symptoms began to lift in the months after I stopped drinking. I met with my doctor, with the intention of exploring taking a lighter dose. She asked me what changes I’d made that might be bringing about an improvement. When I mentioned that I had stopped drinking, she immediately made the connection. I was surprised to learn what a profound effect drinking alcohol had had on my mental health. With her help, and through research, I began to understand the intimate, terrifying, link between alcohol, anxiety, and depression. I was experiencing a huge amount of internal conflict about drinking. I wanted to be drinking less, yet whenever I turned down a drink I felt deprived. I’d come to believe alcohol was vital for having a good time, relaxing, and even for addressing bouts of anxiety. When I drank less I felt miserable, and when I drank more I felt miserable. Alcohol had the ability, in the very short term, to numb feelings of stress and anxiety. I often used alcohol to self-medicate, as a short-term fix for a stressful day or anxious feelings. In fact, a 2012 study suggests that alcohol can actually makes you less capable of dealing with stress and anxiety. I now understand that the overall effect of alcohol on my body was to significantly increase stress, anxiety, and depression. There are studies that back this up, but for me nothing is more powerful than my own experience. It’s like a lot of things in life: the quick fix often makes things worse, while investing in yourself over the long term is an enduring way to find peace and happiness. Since I stopped drinking, some pretty amazing things have happened, yet the most meaningful is my newfound, non-medicated sense of well-being and happiness. I am now certain I would not have been able to reach this place, being completely free of medication, while continuing to drink.
