“Porn is neither good nor bad,” Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, a licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, confirms to mbg. “However, if it’s causing emotional distress for you or your relationship, interfering with your daily functioning, then it is a good idea to examine your relationship to porn and what function it serves for you.” Many people in relationships watch porn regularly without any negative effects on their relationship. A 2013 study1 found 71% of men and 56% of women think it’s acceptable to watch porn in a relationship, including watching by yourself, in certain circumstances. A 2015 survey found 76% of women don’t think watching porn affects their relationships at all, though another study2 found some women tend to be less happy with their relationship and have lower self-esteem when they think their partner watches too much porn. At the end of the day, it all depends on the particular individuals in the relationship and how they’re using porn. For example, a 2016 study4 on people in relationships found watching porn by yourself is associated with less relationship satisfaction, less intimacy, and less commitment. But couples where partners watch porn together actually had similar levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment as couples where neither partner watches porn. Importantly, although many studies have linked porn use with relationship unhappiness, there’s yet to be conclusive evidence that watching porn causes relationship unhappiness. In other words, it’s possible that people who are unhappier in their relationships and their sex lives just tend to watch more porn. One 2018 study5 checked in with couples every four years between 2006 and 2014 and found relationships where one person began watching porn between the first and second wave were nearly twice as likely to get divorced. That makes for some scary headlines, but note that the rate of divorce jumped from 6% among porn-free couples to just 11% among couples where one person started watching porn. And interestingly, porn didn’t affect all couples equally—those who watched two to three times a month were most likely to separate, but people who watched once a day were actually less likely to get divorced than people who never watched porn. The study also didn’t solve our chicken-or-egg problem: Does porn use contribute to an unhappy marriage, or does an unhappy marriage contribute to porn use? Meanwhile, other studies have actually found watching porn might improve relationships. A 2017 study6 found people most commonly say porn has “no negative effects” on their relationship, and people more frequently reported positive effects than negative effects. Another 2017 study7 found a person looking at pornographic images had no effect on how attracted they were to their partner and how in love they felt. How couples feel about porn may play a big role in how it affects their relationship: A 2018 study8 found, among people who are more accepting of porn, watching a lot of porn is associated with more relationship satisfaction. But for those who are less accepting of porn, watching porn was associated with less relationship satisfaction. There are also studies that have found porn use to be linked with better sex for couples: A 2018 study11 found people were more likely to report positive effects on their sex lives than negative effects, including things like better sexual communication, more sexual experimentation, and more comfort with sex in general. Some people believe porn “desensitizes” the brain to pleasure, such that it requires more and more intense stimuli to get sexually excited. A 2014 study12 found men who watch a lot of porn do tend to have less gray matter and reactivity in their striatum, a part of the brain related to our reward system. The researchers guessed this could either mean that watching porn shrinks this pleasure-related brain region—or it could just mean that having this brain configuration makes watching porn more enjoyable, which is why people who have brains like this watch porn more often. A 2015 study actually found regular porn use was correlated with stronger sexual response in men and stronger desire for IRL sex with a partner. In a 2019 review13 of existing research on the subject, researchers found “little to no evidence that pornography use may induce delayed ejaculation and erectile dysfunction” and found the evidence of the connection between porn and sexual dissatisfaction to be “inconsistent.” Some clinicians have found watching porn can be effective in overcoming erectile dysfunction, and many sex therapists and other sexuality professionals recommend porn as part of how to learn what turns you on. All that said, some studies14 have shown that the more porn a man watches, the more likely he is to want to incorporate sex acts he sees in porn into his actual sex life with his partner. That’s not always a good thing, according to Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., LPC, a licensed psychotherapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist: “It’s important that porn viewers, in particular young male viewers, realize that most of the scenes in porn are exactly that—scenes. They are staged, set up, sometimes rehearsed, and at times repeated, in order to create the most visually stimulating and intense sexual charge.” She also notes that a lot of porn also suggests women with vulvas will consistently have orgasms from vaginal sex, which is not true. (Here’s how to actually make a woman reach orgasm. Hint: It has almost nothing to do with penetration.) Porn shouldn’t be used as a replacement for quality sex ed, which is why it’s important for parents to talk to kids about sex before they find it online. Porn is a fantasy, and it should be treated as such. Some people view porn as a form of cheating or as competition to their sex life as a couple, and so discovering that your partner has been secretly watching porn behind your back can be particularly hurtful. A 2017 study of people in heterosexual relationships found the number of women who thought their partner didn’t watch porn was dramatically higher than the number of men who actually reported not watching porn. An earlier study15 found that, for some women, this discovery can feel “traumatic.” Transparency is everything in a relationship, especially when it comes to matters of sex and intimacy. The porn isn’t what’s unhealthy here; it’s the lack of honesty and the willingness to go behind your partner’s back that hurt relationships. “Often, at the root is lack of communication or a dysfunctional way of communicating, which leads to isolation, relationship conflict, shame, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and then porn. In the therapy room, when there is relational distress, porn seems more like the symptom of something greater,” Brito explains. Nelson adds, “There may be room for porn in a healthy relationship. When both partners understand that porn isn’t necessarily real life and that what they are watching doesn’t have to be repeated exactly in bed. Good porn—what I define as videos that show all those involved having orgasms for real and consensually—can be used in a mutually satisfying erotic life for both partners.” But if that’s not your cup of tea, that’s OK too. Some people have strong negative feelings about the idea of their partner watching porn. If that’s the case for you, talk to your partner about it. If you can’t come to an agreement about it, it can be helpful to work with a sex therapist or sex educator who can help you navigate the conversation and come to a workable solution. How can you tell the difference between healthy porn use and the kind of porn use that signals something’s wrong with the relationship? “Healthy porn use doesn’t interfere in our work or relationship life,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., tells mbg. “It’s an exploration of our eroticism and our arousal, and it contributes to our exploration of pleasure. It’s understood to be fantasy, not reality, so it doesn’t define what we expect in our sex life with partners. It leaves us feeling fine about ourselves and our sexuality, not ashamed. It’s a pleasant excursion, alone or with a partner.” If you’re watching porn because you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, that’s worth a conversation with them. If your partner is watching porn and you’re worried, just ask them about it—it might have nothing to do with you, or it might be a sign that it’s a good time for you to reinvest in your sex life as a couple. Nelson adds that watching porn together as a couple can be a great way to get some new sexual energy into the relationship. “Watching porn together can be a way for couples to discover and explore new sexual fantasies together,” she says. “It can help couples communicate about what they like and what they don’t. It can open a dialogue to help discuss sex and increase the connection in a relationship.” Ask yourself and discuss with your partner: “I don’t think ‘addiction’ is helpful terminology for people who are concerned about their porn consumption,” Zimmerman adds. “But people can feel their viewing is out of control and isn’t feeling good to them, perhaps resulting in negative consequences in their life. …and they can work toward other strategies to manage their stress or explore their sexuality. The problem isn’t the porn, per se, but the way it’s being used and the consequences it’s having.” If you’re worried about the reasons your partner is using pornography, a reputable sex therapist can work with you both toward healthier porn consumption or other productive habits. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
