Getting caught up in explaining why one person’s perspective is right and the other person is wrong is one of the most unhealthy communication dynamics that people can enter into in relationships. In his research on marriage and divorce, relationship psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., found defensiveness to be one of the so-called “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” a list of four communication behaviors that signal the end of a relationship. Whether you use it in your romantic partnerships, with friends, family, or at work, it is incredibly detrimental to relationships. When people are defensive, they are dismissive of the other person’s point of view and their own responsibility in the matter, and they are unable to recognize that multiple realities exist. They struggle to see that listening and validating do not mean agreeing and that giving space to the other person does not mean you will never get space to share when the time is right. Gottman shares that breaking out of this loop requires taking responsibility or expressing validation. Neither of these things mean you have to agree; it just means you can see from their perspective why they would think or feel the way they do or you can agree you do have even the slightest responsibility within the problem. Validation might sound like: Boundaries do not enter into the defensiveness patterning. They are not about proving that you are right and they are wrong. Rather, they let the person know that you have reached your limit with what they are saying to you or how they are saying it to you. Examples of boundaries are:
