According to both Page and licensed marriage and family therapist Shane Birkel, LMFT, guilt tripping is classic passive-aggressive behavior because it indicates an inability—or at least an unwillingness—to communicate in a healthy and constructive way. This kind of behavior can be seen across all kinds of relationships, from romantic to parent-child relationships to friendships, and even in the workplace between bosses or co-workers. Birkel adds that guilt tripping also doesn’t require the same vulnerability as directly sharing your hurt and how you’re feeling. “It’s shaming the other person, making comments that make the other person feel bad, sort of blaming and attacking—and so in that way, I don’t think there’s ever an appropriate or OK situation to guilt trip. It’s always going to be a harsh way of treating the other person,” he notes. Open and vulnerable communication, such as saying, “Hey, I understand we all run late sometimes, but it makes me feel like you’re not prioritizing our time together when you show up late,” for example, would not be guilt tripping, Birkel adds. Guilt tripping is more about making someone feel bad or guilty for their behavior. That said, dark personality types like narcissists and other toxic people will often use both of these manipulation tactics freely and without remorse, Page explains. When you become aware of how guilt feels in your body and the thoughts it makes you think, that’s the quickest way to identify guilt tripping behavior, he adds. And if you’re noticing a trend that this person has a hard time expressing when you’ve done something that bothers them, that’s a telltale sign too. Sometimes people want sympathy, sometimes they want to manipulate your behavior, and sometimes they may just be looking for attention. But the key is they’re not willing to be outright about what they’re wanting from the interaction. According to Birkel, guilt tripping someone can also be “a twisted way of trying to get compassion.” They’re trying to make you feel bad about what you did because they want you to understand how it hurt them, he says. “Often, when we feel that something is wrong but we don’t feel that we have a right to ask for what we want, we use guilt tripping or other passive-aggressive behavior instead,” Page explains. “In other words, our guilt around our own needs makes us guilt trip other people.” Birkel also notes this kind of behavior can stem from having this behavior modeled for you growing up, as well as not having your needs met as a child. “If someone grew up in a family where they weren’t allowed to have a voice, or their wants and needs were shut down by a parent, they might start guilt tripping others because they never learned how to communicate directly,” he explains. With all that said, Page and Birkel both recommend extending compassion when you can. “Underneath the guilt tripping is a request, hidden in blaming, passive-aggressive behavior,” Page explains. And as Birkel notes, that hidden request is often compassion and understanding. For starters, there might be an apology you can and should make if you did actually hurt this person (intentionally or not). Birkel suggests starting there, and to emphasize that you understand why they’re feeling the way they do. That can sound like “I understand why you’re upset, and I apologize for X.” Then, once the apology is made earnestly and accepted, perhaps a couple of hours later, he says you can bring up that you didn’t appreciate the way they approached the conversation, saying something like, “Again, I understand why you were upset, and I felt like you were trying to make to feel guilty, so I’m hoping you could communicate with me more directly about what’s going on for you in the future.” Ultimately, Page says, it’s important that you and the other person both get to speak your mind about how you’re really feeling. In some cases, for instance, you might be letting somebody down and disappointing them, but that doesn’t mean that you have anything to feel guilty for; you just might not be able to meet their expectations, he explains. “On the other hand, when you listen to what they want and need, if it feels valid, you might want to reconsider your actions,” he adds. It comes down to honest, open, and vulnerable communication, which is a skill that can take time to cultivate. But the good news is, the more you practice healthy communication, the easier it becomes over time.
