When parents aren’t self-assured enough to provide an environment that’s conducive to the overall development of their children, it could lead to golden child syndrome. “To be clearer, a golden child is held responsible for the family’s success. Parents appreciate and adore them and, in a way, reinforces them to become better in whatever they are doing,” she tells mbg. “A golden child is an example for others to follow. Even the siblings of the golden child are compared with them to create continuous pressure on their performance; to ensure that they shouldn’t fail or fall short in their good behavior and accomplishments.” Children who possess the characteristics of a golden child are typically raised by narcissistic parents who are controlling and authoritarian, she adds. Because of how strict their parents are, these children are unlikely to feel safe enough to voice their own opinions or go against the rules of the home. “Their main purpose in life is to satisfy their parents’ needs and procure success, name, and fame for their family from outsiders. Parents consider [them] an asset to the family and always make them appear superior in front of others. The parents exert discipline and action and force the child to reinforce their desires. The child feels dutiful to satisfy what the parents want them to do, even if they do not like it,” she says. “Often golden children are parentified and help raise other children. For the most part, their parents act entitled to these actions, and the child is conditioned to not dissent,” licensed therapist Billy Roberts, LISW, adds. “On the one hand, the grown-up golden child might become excessively attached to another person, not knowing where they begin and end. For example, they might display excessive people-pleasing, seeking the validation they never received as a child. On the other hand, they might truly struggle with connection in relationships, seeking validation from outside sources like work and never becoming emotionally available to a partner,” he explains. This is a result of having an insecure attachment style with their parents, so they struggle to connect with others and either become too clingy because they strongly desire the love their parents failed to provide or completely withdrawn and aloof. Another negative effect of this syndrome is growing up with low self-esteem. Since a golden child’s sense of self-worth is directly linked to their ability to please and their external achievements, as an adult, “they are likely to feel that they must present a perfect image of themselves to earn others’ approval and love. These adults also lack a sense of identity because the only identity they formed during their childhood was through appeasing their parents, so they report feeling empty and unsure of themselves,” Hafeez explains. “These children will also grow into adults who become defensive when they receive criticism. Because golden children are accustomed to only receiving positive feedback from their loved ones, they struggle to accept any form of negative feedback as an adult. They will automatically believe that they have failed,” she continues. To cope with these failures, they may pick up unhealthy mechanisms, including gambling, drug addiction, or alcoholism. In the long run, these children can also become manipulative and controlling. They overrun others to meet their own needs by exploiting and using others to meet their vested interests. They may also become passive-aggressive and jealous, Gonzalez-Berrios adds. In some cases, these narcissistic parents don’t even know what they’re doing to their children. According to Roberts, they live in a world of delusions and lies they tell themselves to avoid feelings of vulnerability. “It is this psychological aspect of their personality disorder that has one of the largest and most damaging impacts on their children. Imagine being a child completely unable to connect with your parents emotionally? In fact, the idea of vulnerability and emotionality is likely met with more emotional abuse,” he says. “The narcissist enjoys pushing others to their breaking point.” In order to heal from your golden child syndrome, you’ve got to accept it. Gonzalez-Berrios encourages working to “accept the darkest corners of yourself that are filled with pride and honor. Accept the narcissist in you to heal from within.” (Here’s more on how to set healthy boundaries with parents.) “Compulsive people-pleasing or perfectionism are based in shame. The idea is that doing more or taking on more will solve the shame. However, this is rarely the case,” Roberts explains. “It’s the same concept as an addict stopping a craving with more drugs. More people-pleasing or perfectionism calms shame for seconds, only leading to more shame when the outcome is seen as not good enough, which then leads to more perfectionism and people-pleasing. Learning to disrupt this cycle and intervene by valuing one’s time, feelings, and self-care can be the ultimate goal of recovery.” If you are concerned, though, then it could be worth discussing it further with a professional. And as you do so, try to remember that your personality isn’t unchangeable, and you are not your past traumas. The wounds weren’t self-inflicted, but you’ll have to tend to them with your own hands. Be gentle with yourself as you heal here.
