All that might make you think it’d be really easy or obvious to steer clear of narcissists when it comes to relationships, but not every narcissist displays their narcissistic behavior so obviously, especially at the start of a relationship. As the researchers explain in the paper, recently published in the Journal of Psychology, there are actually two kinds of narcissism: grandiose and vulnerable. A grandiose narcissist has all the qualities we usually associate with narcissism: They’re arrogant, entitled, and self-centered; refuse to acknowledge their faults and mistakes; and are willing to hurt others (or are altogether indifferent to other people’s suffering) to make themselves feel superior. Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, are not as domineering. The researchers describe this type of narcissist tends to be “timid, embarrassed, and anxious, with a frail self-esteem that is influenced and regulated by the responses of others.” They have just as much of an inflated ego as their grandiose siblings, but because of it, they’re very sensitive to criticism and rejection because of the threat to their ego. The researchers wanted to understand how these two forms of narcissism are linked to psychological abuse and what role romantic jealousy might play. They surveyed 473 adults currently involved in a stable romantic relationship about their personalities, behaviors toward their partners, and levels of romantic jealousy. Mirroring previous studies, grandiose narcissism was directly related to psychological abuse—jealousy wasn’t really a significant factor for this more obvious type of narcissist. But what about that more subtle form of narcissism? Vulnerable narcissists, it turns out, also tended to be more psychologically abusive—but jealousy was the mediating factor. In other words, vulnerable narcissists tended to be way more jealous than the average person, and in turn, that degree of jealousy was associated with psychologically abusive behavior. “These results can be understood by taking into consideration previous studies, which have highlighted that vulnerable narcissists experience high anxiety within interpersonal relationships, are highly sensitive to separation signals, and feel greater distress at the time of separation,” the researchers write. “These individual characteristics, in turn, could reflect higher vigilance to potential threats to their own romantic relationships, consequently increasing their jealousy feelings.” And when your narcissism enables you to commit terrible acts of cruelty on others to preserve your own sense of self-worth, more jealousy means you’ll likely be more controlling, more isolating, and more critical to try to protect yourself from those threats. Not every jealous person is a narcissist or abusive, of course, but this study does suggest there’s a link to be wary of in your relationships. If jealousy seems to be bringing out the worst in your partner, it may be worth it to reflect on whether they display other signs of narcissism and then evaluate whether you need to leave the relationship to stay safe. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
