All of the Enneagram types are driven by their own distinct motivations, leading them to have different priorities in a relationship. “Most couples probably have at least a surface-level understanding of their differences and similarities before discovering the Enneagram, but the Enneagram offers a common language to discuss these tendencies,” Stephanie Barron Hall, certified Enneagram coach and author of The Enneagram in Love: A Roadmap for Building and Strengthening Romantic Relationships, tells mbg. “It allows us to stop ascribing our motivations to our partner’s behavior.” Some research has shown Enneagram types don’t affect marital satisfaction significantly. That said, there are some trends in terms of which types more commonly tend to end up together and perhaps certain traits to look for in a partner based on your type. “Because the Enneagram is so focused on underlying motivation and not on outer behavior, all types can end up working well together,” Hall explains. “The point of using the Enneagram for relationships is not to figure out who you can rule out of the dating pool but to learn how to use this tool as a path toward growth and deeper connection.” In a One-Two partnership, since task-oriented Ones can feel rigid, the heart-forward and attentive Two can bring warmth to the Ones’ pursuit of integrity and encourage them to soften and relax. Likewise, Ones bring consistency and security to Twos, who struggle with abandonment issues. (Ones and Twos are also Enneagram wings, which means they may have some overlapping traits.) In a One-Seven partnership, this is considered a complementary relationship since they share an Enneagram line. Ones are attracted to their adventurous, irreverent spirit. Joyful Sevens can remind the generally composed, hardworking One to let loose and, most importantly, not feel guilty about having fun. Ones infuse Sevens with a much-needed sense of purpose and direction, grounding the flighty Seven. In a Two-Three partnership, they share similar interests, energy levels, and charisma, making this a high-energy match. The charming Threes can galvanize the Twos to reach their potential instead of focusing on others, and Twos offer unconditional approval to their Three partner, who can struggle with overidentifying with their work persona instead of their authentic self. In a Two-Eight partnership, there are many similarities since they share an Enneagram line. Twos like the strength and conviction of the passionate Eight who reminds Twos to step into their power. Alternatively, Twos help Eights let down their walls to embrace their inner softy and feel comfortable showing more affection. In a Three-Nine partnership, the effacing Nines can support the Threes’ ambitions and, most importantly, innately accept them for who they are, not what they can do. This stability allows Threes to connect to their emotions. Likewise, Threes help the happy-go-lucky Nine move toward the spotlight and find respect and value in their own personhood. In a Four-Five partnership, the emotionally expressive Fours can rely on the straightforward, steady Five to say what they mean and mean what they say. The Fives’ logical nature can act as an anchor to the Fours, who can feel turbulent. Fours admire that Fives are not afraid to explore the depths of emotionality and together; they can have an intense and stimulating connection. In a Four-Nine partnership, Fours bring passion and intensity to the mellow Nines. Nines are naturally nonjudgmental and welcoming to all emotions, which helps the Four feel safe. In a Five-One partnership, the Fives find value in the Ones’ independence, curiosity, and similar mutual interests. Likewise, the Ones appreciate Fives’ lack of judgment and steadiness which gives them comfort. The partnership can build a strong foundation of dependability and trust. In a Five-Two partnership, this is a true meeting of opposites. The Fives’ objectivity and strong boundaries are attractive to porous Twos, who have trouble stating boundaries. The independent Fives crave alone time and don’t always want the Twos to overextend and help, which pushes Twos to take care of themselves. In return, the people-oriented Two can add cozy domesticity and a bustling life into the dynamic. In a Six-Nine partnership, this is a complementary and solid pairing. The accommodating Nines have a generally peaceful and calm presence, which soothes the Sixes’ perpetual doubts. In return, the Sixes bring unquestioned loyalty and predictability to the mix, while animating the Nines to come forward and engage with life. In a Seven-Nine partnership, the free-spirited Sevens and agreeable Nines are an upbeat couple with a sunny, positive disposition. Energetic Sevens can add dynamism to the relationship, while Nines can help the Sevens slow down and enjoy the present moment. In an Eight-Nine partnership, Eights exude dazzling high energy and competence, which can attract Nines, who tend to merge with strong personalities. Nines admire the Eights’ ability to take on challenges, while Eights find solace in the Nines’ calm energy. In a Nine-One partnership, Ones hugely benefit from the easygoing nature of the Nine. Ones suffer from an intense inner critic, and the gentle, agreeable Nine can reduce their anxiety about always having to be right. Ones can impart structure and clarity to the peaceful Nine. In a Nine-Two partnership, both types can feel similar in how they interact and react in the world. The good-natured Nines value the Two for who they are, not what they can give. Twos are focused on the Nines, which helps them set an agenda and take an active role in their life. While Hall observes that same-type pairings can be less common than other pairings, that might have to do with the fact that “many of us tend to find that people who are too similar to us get on our nerves.” During his couples’ counseling work, Shahan has noticed that polarized couples, i.e., total opposites, can be drawn to each other precisely because of their differences. “It can be attractive to teach and learn from each other. Especially if you’re occupying an extreme side of the spectrum in some way, you can help pull each other to the middle to find balance.” “Some examples of this would be males who embody the nurturing, caring energy of a Two, females who are energetically dominating and move around the world as an Eight, or female Fives, who can seem distant and cut off from their emotions. This can create a lot of shame for them growing up and being told they are supposed to be a certain way,” says Shahan. According to one study that collected data from 457 couples, gender can make a difference when it comes to the frequency of the combinations with “men and women choosing very different personalities for their mates.” It’s impossible to cite one Enneagram type as good, bad, easy, or more difficult than the others (this is a common misconception about the Enneagram) because each person brings their own temperament, upbringing, and unique experiences to the table. Type compatibility is highly dependent on your and your partner’s psychological maturity, which is the determining factor of the well-being of the relationship. The Enneagram lays out a map to examine the themes and limitations that may be a part of the relationship. Since the perfect Enneagram compatibility pairings don’t exist, it’s up to you and your partner to put in the time and effort to achieve balance and find greater understanding.
