“Over-concern for another person, excessive need, excessive worry, excessive guilt, all of these things can lead to a thwarting of our own sense of autonomy,” psychotherapist Ken Page, LCSW, tells mbg. “Sometimes we can’t even identify our own feelings because we’re so used to focusing on the needs of another.” For example, parents who develop an extreme overinvolvement in their child’s life may create an enmeshed family relationship. “This is a situation in which the ego boundaries among individuals are so poorly defined that they cannot separate or individuate from one another without experiencing tremendous anxiety, anger, or other forms of emotional distress,” one study1 explains. Other examples from Muñoz include: “Codependency tends to describe a relationship between one person who rescues or enables and another person who acts out through emotional, physical, or substance abuse,” Muñoz says. Enmeshment generally describes the behaviors, communications styles, and actions taken within a codependent friendship or relationship. “You can also begin to cultivate your own autonomy by seeking out activities that are purely about you and having nothing to do with what anyone else around you likes or approves of,” she adds. Finding your own voice and ideas is a critical part of the healing journey. To help with this process, Appleton recommends journaling, seeking out a therapist, or talking to a trusted mentor. “Take responsibility for your feelings, and your feelings alone,” she says. “Work on consciously naming and normalizing the feelings that come up for you day to day or moment to moment.” Setting and keeping boundaries is a healthy way to care for yourself and your needs, without being influenced by others. Remember, you should only be there for another person some of the time, Muñoz says. “Enmeshed relationships, and codependent relationships, operate on the implicit expectation that one or both partners need to be there all of the time.”
