The short answer is: Yes, it’s an affair. And no, it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. Many people don’t consider emotional affairs to be cheating since they aren’t having sex. But it is the secrecy and betrayal of trust that creates the most damage. If you find there is intimacy, attraction, and secrecy, you are in an affair. As hard as it is to recover from the effects of sexual infidelity, an emotional affair still confronts you with the harsh realities that one of you was willing to indulge their own desires at the expense of the other’s trust and intimacy. Many people have these interactions without it turning into cheating. Others, especially those who aren’t completely fulfilled in their own relationships, begin to indulge the feelings of validation, attraction, and excitement. They continue to pursue the communication when they know it is starting to have an intimate or sexual charge to it, and they know enough to keep it from their partner. What starts as moments of micro-cheating turns into full-blown emotional cheating. Emotional affair partners aren’t real—in the sense that you are not dealing with real life, with the stresses and negative attributes that would show up later. You’ve been indulging in a dream. As appealing as it may have been, you can let it go more easily if you accept that it’s been a mirage. It probably goes without saying, but it’s also important to improve your relationship with your spouse so it’s infused with positive attention and interaction. Consider where, how, or why you feel this lack, be open with your spouse about how you feel, and try to work toward a solution together that helps you feel secure and loved—without placing the full burden on your spouse to change. Be clear that you are ending it (both with the third person and with your partner), and be willing to demonstrate that by being transparent with your communication mechanisms (social media, email, etc.). This is key to how to stop cheating any further. Share exactly what happened and when, to the degree that your spouse wants to know. Examine the extent of the dishonesty and the prevalence of lying in your life in general. Commit to speaking the truth and being transparent from now on. Consider going to couples therapy or taking a workshop together. Work through relationship self-help books to strengthen your foundation. Talk honestly about your wants, needs, and complaints. An affair can put your relationship on the brink; this is the time to lay it all out there and address all the problems. What will move you through this is a combination of time and demonstrated change. The cheating partner needs to be trustworthy if they are going to earn trust. You both need to see that there is a new level of honesty, an ability to bring up and address unmet needs, and a recommitment to the marriage. Whatever laid the groundwork for the affair has to change, and that means both people have work to do to make sure the relationship is fulfilling to the other.
