“Clingy behavior comes from a person’s desire to fulfill their unmet needs, whether it be emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental,” couples’ therapist Beverley Andre, LMFT, tells mbg. “The person is experiencing fear and anxiety that is attached to a belief they won’t get their needs met, so they cling even harder to a person or situation to prevent the risk of this happening.” Notably, the word “clingy” tends to have a strong negative connotation, according to couples’ therapist Aparna Sagaram, LMFT. “It’s more helpful to use the term ‘anxious attachment.’ This means you worry about the other person losing interest or leaving you, so you need constant reassurance.” The anxious attachment style is one of four attachment styles a person can have, according to the psychology framework known as attachment theory. Clinginess often gets a bad rap, but oftentimes, people who are exhibiting clingy behavior may not be aware of how they’re coming off. The terror of abandonment overrides their ability to stay cool since they are more focused on soothing their insecurities. Patterns will commonly manifest in behaviors such as incessantly texting your S.O. throughout the day to check in, excessively monitoring their social media accounts to see what they’re up to, and making early effusive professions of love (which may ring hollow in certain moments) to secure a closer connection. “Attachment develops in infancy between parent and child. How a parent responds to their child impacts attachment style,” Sagaram adds. “If a child is unsure how a parent will react or the parent is inconsistent with responses, the child is likely going to develop an anxious attachment. Your attachment style to caregivers is most likely the same attachment style you will develop with a romantic partner.” If there wasn’t an early opportunity for you to fortify trust with a caregiver, it becomes harder, later on, to nurture emotionally safe relationships and feel like your needs can be expressed and attended to. As an adult, you may then externalize that internal angst toward your partner and what they can do to remedy your insecurities. “Attachment styles are a factor when understanding why some people are clingier than others,” Andre explains. “Someone with a secure attachment style will have healthier boundaries and most likely not see their partner’s independence threateningly, as compared to someone with an anxious attachment style who leans more toward clingy behavior when it comes to separation. The need for independence would most likely be perceived as a lack of investment in the relationship, or [a belief] this is an indicator the relationship is ending.” Your passions and hobbies take a back seat as you make yourself available for your partner in case they want to hang out. You expect a plus one if they’re going out with their friends, or you may secretly hope they’ll cancel their plans to spend more devoted one-on-one time with you. Any attempts for them to live their life outside of the relationship could be misinterpreted as abandonment or them pulling away from you. In response, you try to close the gap to gain more intimacy. While you feel panicked if they’re not around you physically, your partner can feel exhausted and resentful you’re using them as a crutch for your emotional welfare. Since you’ve likely emptied your life of most things besides your relationship, you might also use your extra free time to stalk their exes online or forensically go through their comments, likes, and followers. (There’s also a tendency to bring past baggage into the present relationship.) Making such requests can make you feel deeply vulnerable because you’re scared that if you bring up your needs, which feel unwieldy and big, they will back away and leave you. So you may resort to mixed signals, indirect methods, or strategic manipulation to get what you’re hoping for without having to say it. You could drop whatever’s going on in your life and your real thoughts to do anything you can to seek reassurance from them. The problem is that your sense of self locks up in a holding pattern and remains in flux as you shape your values and personality around your partner’s momentary preferences. While their emotions provide valuable information, feelings are transient and aren’t meant to operate as static truth since it’s always shifting. Here are a few places to start: For strategies to work through the anxiety, Sagaram recommends surrounding yourself with people who are securely attached. “Get comfortable asking for what you need in relationships. Believe your partner when they reassure you. It’s OK to need reassurance from others, but learn to give yourself reassurance too,” she says. Having a talk with your partner and naming specific boundaries will help develop interdependence in the relationship. It’s good to remember to be empathetic to your partner during these conversations. Their clinginess doesn’t sum up the entirety of who they are—they just need some help anchoring back to their own sense of self. “I suggest lovingly bringing it to their attention. I stress lovingly because tone can easily turn this conversation into an accusatory one,” Andre recommends. “Convey to your partner the behaviors you have been noticing, and from a place of curiosity ask if they have noticed it as well, and if so, what is the behavior connected to. Once those answers are known, both of you can address any unresolved issues that may have come up and then transition to creating healthier boundaries within the relationship.” As you move toward secure attachment and healthy regulation, you will cultivate a growth-oriented mindset that calls for your partner to embrace life and its myriad changes with you.
