That said, there are some reasons that exploring non-monogamy may be a bad idea. It isn’t going to solve the problems in your relationship, sexual or otherwise. Just like it’s not a good idea to have kids to save a relationship, you wouldn’t want to open your relationship to save it, either. It takes a solid foundation to move into non-monogamy. If you have issues with your partner, fix those first! It’s also a problem to go into CNM if you’re only doing it to keep your partner. It’s important that both people truly want this arrangement. If one is doing it out of pressure, coercion, or desperation, it’s not going to be successful. It’s also likely going to be a problem if either of you struggles with emotions, communication, or knowing your own boundaries. CNM requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and emotional regulation. To be successful with CNM (that is—to make sure you’re improving your relationship by making the change, not damaging it) requires that you and your partner have some skills, as well as commitment to each other in the process. You need self-awareness about your feelings, your wants and needs, and your boundaries; it’s important to be able to advocate for yourself as you define your relationship structure. Additionally, you and your partner need a strong ability to communicate clearly and effectively, especially through high emotion. CNM often brings up strong feelings, including jealousy and insecurity, and the two of you need to be able to talk about what’s happening and work through it together. You also need a basic respect and concern for each other. Consensual non-monogamy is not going to work if one of you is set on doing what you want regardless of the impact on your partner. It’s also important to understand that one or both of you may experience jealousy, a constellation of feelings that include insecurity, envy, possessiveness, inadequacy, and feeling left out (among others). Not everyone struggles with these feelings (in fact, some research1 suggests some people are more prone to them than others), but many do. Some people view these responses as learned, and they work to overcome these emotional tendencies. Others view them as innate emotions and work to communicate and regulate their own emotional state. Consider whether you may be a jealousy-prone person, how you respond to jealousy when you do feel it, and whether you believe you and your partner can work through it successfully time and time again. (Clear communication, good self-care, advocating for what you need, and adjustment of boundaries and agreements can help you get through. See the following section.) And keep in mind that many people experience the opposite of jealousy—an experience called compersion—where you take joy in your partner’s other intimate experiences. Lastly, CNM should not follow an affair or involve any secrecy. It needs to be free of any stain of dishonesty or infidelity for it to work. Many people make a conscious choice to be in a monogamous relationship and are happy and satisfied. Many others enjoy a relationship structure like those described above that allow for other partners. There is no right or wrong in what you choose, but make sure it fits your desires and ideas about what you want in a relationship. The goal is to create an intimate partnership that works the best for both of you.
