Make space for your friend or loved one to talk about their experience. Let them know “I’m here to listen,” or “I want to better understand what you’re going through right now,” and “I’m here for you despite what depression might be telling you.” By letting someone who is depressed know you have some idea of the magnitude of their pain, you can help them feel understood, supported, and validated. It’s also important to let them know you care and are here for them. For example, it can be helpful to say something like, “I’m here to support you. If you can envision a role you’d like me to play in this challenging time, let me know, and I’ll do my best to fulfill that. If not, know that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” Connecting with mental health professionals can be an ominous task. Help make things possibly less daunting for your loved one by identifying resources in their area. A good place to start? Their G.P. or N.D. Other potentially beneficial resources include a psychotherapist, depression support group, or a crisis line. Set realistic guidelines (e.g., “I’m here for you, but sometimes I might be busy and not be able to respond to your calls or texts until later on. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, despite what depression might tell you.”) Supporting a depressed friend can be draining to you, so make sure to be kind to yourself and acknowledge your limitations. Even if you’ve had firsthand experience with depression, everyone’s experience is different. Thus, stick with empathizing (“What you’re going through sounds really painful”) rather than identifying (“I know exactly how you feel”). It can help to share your own experience, but make sure they’re aware you’re not implying it’s the same situation. Similarly, don’t minimize what they’re going through by telling them things like “It could be worse,” or “Come on, things aren’t that bad. At least you have your job/ family/ health, etc.” That will just lead to their feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and ashamed. They also might start giving away possessions, get their will in order, contact people to “make amends,” or appear suddenly calm, given their previous behavior. There is a common misconception that if we ask someone if they’ve been thinking about suicide, we might put the idea in their head or drive them to do it. This is untrue. Often, being asked causes great relief for a person who’s been thinking about it. You can try saying something like this, “It’s not uncommon for people to have suicidal thoughts when experiencing depression. Have you been thinking about killing yourself?” If the answer is yes, remind them that suicidal thoughts are a natural coping mechanism (they provide a way to “stop the pain”), but suicide will not make things better. You are likely not a trained professional, so stay with them while you encourage them to call a suicide hotline for proper assessment and resources. If you’ve reached your limits, talk to them about it. Say something like, “I really want to be here to support you, but I’m feeling powerless/ unequipped/ stretched. I don’t want to lose this relationship. How can we find a way to make things more sustainable?” Often, if you’re feeling exhausted in supporting them, it’s a sign they don’t have enough other supports in their life. Help them connect to resources so you’re not the sole support. Be kind to yourself—make sure you’re practicing self-care and self-compassion, and get the support you need from others as well.
