My story of geographical isolation echoes those of other women who have been involved with narcissists. But what if you’re around a sophisticated narcissist who plays his game slowly and subtly, so you lose your sense of reality and identity, and they start to dictate your life? Here’s how to recognize the clever ways a narcissist isolates you. He told tales about his exes, family members, and business partners cheating or abandoning him, justifying it with, “You know my history, that’s why I get paranoid, and that’s why you can’t do this.” This way, he got narcissistic supply and expected me to overlook his abuse. So for years, I kept it all a secret, hoping to give him a loving environment where he could heal from his mistrust. By doing that, I became emotionally isolated, feeling as if no one could understand what I was experiencing. Slowly but surely, my life shrank as I gave up yoga, dresses, and perfumes. Even the things I pursued at home, under his watch, he’d put down. “You have poor taste—I know, because I went to design school.” He smirked. The things that give us joy and nourish our soul shape our identity. Cut off from them, we eventually lose our sense of self, feeling unanchored, and become prime targets for more abuse. My ex continuously sabotaged my studies with abuse. Then he stalked me at meetings, insisting I wasn’t there, to justify that I shouldn’t work. Then he diverted emails on my website from to a mysterious mailbox—anything to make me dependent. Common methods include messing with the way you arrange your environment, insisting you did or said something else, and telling you you’re abusive. My narcissist would corner me and force me to repeat details before laughing at me and saying, “Look at you, you’re crazy.” It doesn’t matter if someone justifies why they are “jealous” of your phone or says that you need a digital detox—no one should take away your means of communication. The most important thing to know here is this: Like myself and many other women, you can get out and write your new chapter. You can reclaim who you really are. I believe in you. This article was written in collaboration with psychologist and coach Jonathan Marshall. Think you may be dealing with a narcissist? Here are 14 signs that you may be right. She has been featured in Elle, Forbes, and Business Insider and has previously worked with Olympians, business professionals, and individuals seeking to master their psychological capital. She works globally in English and Mandarin-Chinese via Skype and Facetime, blending cutting-edge neuroscience, psychology, and ancient wisdom.
