Sometimes a triggering event will motivate the narcissist to leave. These are usually life-altering events for one of you. If you become ill or incapacitated or unable or unwilling to participate in the life the narcissist has designed, that may prompt the narcissist to leave. Even a positive event, such as having a child, can upset the delicate balance of the relationship, especially if it requires the narcissist to be more responsible and emotionally involved. Illnesses, aging, and job losses or promotions can act as triggers for the narcissist to suddenly abandon the relationship. Obviously that is shocking, hurtful, insulting, and thoroughly unfair and wrong. When the narcissist reaches this point, they will no longer listen to you or give you any consideration and may no longer be willing to even speak to you. If you apologize profusely enough and beg for reconciliation, you may get back together for a while, but things between the two of you will probably never be good again. The narcissist will say, “You just misinterpreted what I said. Of course, you should know that deep down I love you; why do I have to say it all the time? What about all the good times we’ve had together? You look at the negative too much. You don’t understand the stress I’ve been under lately. You take things too personally. You’re overreacting. You’re too emotional.” Although the narcissist tries to sound positive about the relationship and why you shouldn’t leave, you’ll notice that all these “reasons” are actually negative remarks about you and what is wrong with what you’re doing. These are not real encouragements to stay in the relationship; they are actually manipulations to lower your self-esteem so you won’t leave. If the coaxing and persuasion don’t work, the narcissist can bring out the especially negative evaluations to trigger your sore spots and make you feel bad about yourself: “You were nothing before you married me. Go back to that stupid family of yours and rot. You’ll be sorry when I’m out in California and making loads of money. I can find somebody who will really love me and always put me first.” If the narcissist still needs you, they won’t want you upsetting their plans. Your leaving gives you more emotional strength and power in the relationship by moving you further out of the narcissist’s control, and they don’t want that to happen. Being told you are selfish, unkind, cruel, greedy, stingy, or hurting someone’s feelings can be especially painful to a caretaker. You work so hard to never do or be those things and almost never even have those kinds of feelings, so you feel deeply wronged. These comments are such a clear indication that the narcissist doesn’t know you or see you for who you are, and that can be heartbreaking. These kinds of accusations also increase your feelings of guilt, so you’re more likely to redouble your efforts to prove to the narcissist that you’re not that kind of person. That’s just what the narcissist wants because it reengages you in the relationship. Once the narcissist has goaded you into reacting, they can keep you feeling powerless, guilty, and participating in the relationship until they’re ready to end it. If you have children together, these pleas for attention can go on and on. One client was so anxious from all the pressure that she actually lost her voice when she saw her former husband. He was so determined to get her attention that he even pressured the court to “order” her to speak to him in public “for the sake of the children.” Of course it was actually for the sake of his own egotistical need to be acknowledged. This is a tempting appeal for a caretaker who truly wants the relationship to work. Now it seems that the narcissist finally understands what you’ve been saying and is ready to make things right. They seem genuinely sincere. You breathe a sigh of relief and hope builds in you again. Inevitably this hope disintegrates. Narcissists can’t stop trying to control you, and they can’t seem to control their own behaviors for any length of time. For a while, you think things are getting better. However, when the narcissist gets comfortable in the relationship again, they’ll go back to being self-absorbed, inconsiderate, arrogant, insensitive, and blaming. And invariably if things don’t go their way, they’re instantly back to the same defensive and antagonistic patterns. How many times you’re willing to believe the narcissist’s false promises is up to you. Gossip is a manipulative tactic designed to make you the bad guy and to garner the narcissist as much sympathy as possible. It can also work effectively to reengage you with them and bring you under their control.
