You wouldn’t be alone if you did: According to a survey conducted by the Associated Press, 41% of people have gotten back together with an ex. But whether or not that’s the right decision for you is a different story. Whether you admit it or not, your loved ones may be a better judge of character than you are. They notice qualities that your ex may have that are easier for you to ignore, and they can point out ways they have seen you change through the relationship. It can be hard to hear their potentially negative feedback, but try to avoid getting defensive. Your support network is filled with people who want the best for you at the end of the day, so it’s important not to dismiss their concerns. Try this: Choose three people in your life whom you trust. Ask each of them the best and worst thing about you when you were with your ex. Ask them to be honest and not hold back—and be prepared to receive their answers without defensiveness. Dealing with the loss of your relationship can make you feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster. Some days you feel OK, and other days you can’t stop crying. On those more turbulent days, you might be willing to do anything to make the emotions stop. If you are considering giving the relationship another try, be sure that you aren’t feeling desperate and settling so you don’t have to be alone. You shouldn’t be making the decision because someone is better than no one—because that can be a big mistake. Remember that what you are feeling right now will not last forever, even though you think it might. You are going through a season in your life that you will heal from. If you decide to give your ex another try, make sure that you aren’t settling because it’s convenient or because it feels easier than trying to move on. Try this: Ask yourself what evidence you have that you aren’t settling. Why are you deciding to give your ex another chance at the relationship? When your heart speaks, it’s loud and painful. Your head is whispering what you need to do, but since your heart is louder, it can be easier to give in to it. Since this disagreement is happening within, it can be challenging to make the best decision for you. This is why it can be helpful to write out a pros and cons list. Writing out your answers will help you stay rational and logical in your decision-making. Try this: Fold a blank sheet of paper in half. On one half, write “Get back with my ex” and then create two columns labeled “Pro” and “Con” underneath. On the other half of the paper, write “Don’t get back with my ex” and then create two columns labeled “Pro” and “Con” underneath that. As you’re filling out all these columns, the goal is to get out of your head and heart as you move into a rational space. During this exercise, focus on the process of what you are doing, feeling, and thinking. Beware, too, of letting your physical needs get the best of you. Everyone loves a good physical connection, but if that’s one of the only aspects that was working in your relationship or one of the only aspects you miss, it won’t be enough to sustain a second go. Mind-blowing sex isn’t enough to keep a relationship healthy, so don’t neglect your emotional needs in a relationship just because your physical ones are met. Try this: Think about how your ex showed you the action of love in the past. What did they do that made you feel they loved and respected you? What action did they take that showed you they cared? Reviewing your ex’s actions will force you to rationally consider possible areas of concern that you may have been neglecting. Try this: On a sheet of paper, make two columns. On the left side, list all of the things your ex did to improve your life. On the right side, list all the things they did that made your life difficult. Be honest with yourself, even if you don’t want to be. Don’t hold back the truth, and write out everything you can think of. After you have completed your list, review it to see the differences. Overstreet holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Sexology and a master’s degree in Professional Counseling. Known as the real-world relationship expert, she teaches people to improve their connection with themselves and others. She has given a TEDx talk on healthcare and also serves as a national contributor to CNN, Psychology Today, Readers Digest, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and various other media.
