The truth is, what’s arousing will be different for each of us. Our eroticism is comprised of the specific things in sex that really turn us on, revealed in our sexual preferences, our fantasies, and our reactions to sexual media. There are no rules when it comes to turn-ons, and there are no rights or wrongs when it comes to sexual excitement. Each person’s eroticism is completely unique, like a fingerprint. Don’t focus solely on your genitals; explore your whole body and see if you find new or surprising opportunities for pleasure. For example, you might spend time stimulating your nipples, your ears, your neck area, your feet, or the insides of your thighs and discover something unexpectedly turns you on. The list goes on and on—get creative with where you’re focusing your sexual attention on the body and see what comes up. You can do this alone in solo sex play or with a partner. Let go of all the ideas you have about what you’re supposed to like and figure out what you actually like. (Here’s our full guide to how to make a woman reach orgasm, in case you’re curious.) You can discover your own erotic template by paying attention to what arouses you. Do you have specific sexual fantasies? What makes the best sex you’ve ever had stand out? What have you read or watched that really turned you on? Why was it so sexy to you? That “why” is key. Sometimes what we find highly arousing is upsetting to us; it doesn’t fit with who we are in real life or what we value. Just because we are turned on by thinking about something doesn’t mean we want to do it. (A perfect example is a rape fantasy. Women don’t want to be raped, but the loss of control in the fantasy can be appealing since there is no real pain or risk.) Nothing is off-limits in our mind, and there are often reasons that we respond sexually to things that are the opposite of our nature. For further learning on this subject, I recommend Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Michael J. Bader as a great resource. From there, you can actually do some of these things, acting out a whole scene or adding a specific element to your sexual play. You might decide to meet up at a bar, pretending to be strangers, and enjoy the energy of getting hit on. Or you might add some bondage or power play to what you’re already enjoying with a lover. You can also harness the erotic energy by just talking about or imagining the arousing elements without ever actually doing them. Exploring your eroticism with a partner can open new levels of intimacy as well as sexual intensity. This is not for the faint of heart, though; it can feel very risky to share this side of your sexual self. Coming to terms with your sexual desires and making room for those in your sex life takes some courage, but the payoff is a more exciting sexual relationship and an increase in trust and engagement. (To explore further, here’s what turns women on and some possible reasons why you might struggle to get turned on in general.)
