Why? You’re subconsciously hoping to get what you didn’t get as a child out of this new relationship in your adulthood. This deep-seated proclivity toward unavailable partners is embedded in your root chakra, which is the first chakra located at the base of your spine that’s associated with instinct, survival, grounding, family, and security. This happens because we are more comfortable with the pain that we know than the pain we don’t know. So we go back to the same type of guy or the same relationship model trying to re-enact our past to fix it, but it never happens. That is the real breakthrough—recognizing the pattern and then making a conscious decision not to head down that path again even if it feels comfortable, safe, and familiar. It’s called “growing pains” for a reason—growth is painful. We have to take risks, enter the scary unknown, and stretch ourselves emotionally and spiritually in ways we’ve never done before. It can feel very uncomfortable at first. But the rewards are worth it. One way to get there is to take a break from dating to work on you. Build your self-esteem through positive daily affirmations (i.e., “I am beautiful,” “I am worthy”), create a vision board that specifically shows what you want your relationship or life to look like, and use some breathing techniques to move from the left brain state where you’re stuck in your past roles to the right brain state where you feel anything is possible. One breathing technique to try is the breath of arousal used in Tantra. It activates your third chakra, which is the chakra that gives you a sense of power, self-esteem, and the willpower to say no to unhealthy things. To do the breath of arousal, sit up tall, place your hands on your navel, and stick your tongue out . Pant like a dog in and out of your mouth, pumping your stomach muscles back and forth in time with your breathing. With every exhale pull your bellybutton to the back of your spine to empty your belly of air. With every inhale, allow your belly button to expand and let your stomach fill up like a balloon. Do this as rapidly as you can. It might even feel like hyperventilating, but it increases your metabolism and builds your inner fire. Try to do this for seconds to one minute and see how energized, relaxed, and refreshed you feel, and notice the sense of grounding and confidence emanating from your core. One of my teachers taught me a meditation called the “Tantric Heart.” Visualize that your soul is the queen of your life and her throne is your heart. Your heart is supposed to make all of the decisions in your life from fearlessness. But your mind is the frightened servant that guards the door to your heart. If we were hurt in the past, over time our minds lock that door out of fear. To open that door—and open your heart—you need to get past the fear. Use a daily affirmation with breath work to open your heart chakra. Take a deep, long, and slow inhale and say, “Inhaling, I soften my heart to receive love.” When you exhale slowly, say, “Exhaling, I let go of fear.” Start your day with five minutes of this and you will feel a change. Other people will see a change in you, too. Don’t be surprised if you attract a totally different kind of person—someone who is ready to be more intimate and vulnerable. If you have been stuck in a bad relationship, maybe the wheels will fall off and you’ll move on in a healthier direction. Isadora passed away on March 26, 2017. During her life, Psalm made a name for herself as a bold, outspoken sex, relationships, and trauma expert who lived to inspire the next generation of women. She demystified the ancient secrets of Tantra to make them accessible to the modern masses. Raised in a religious cult as a child, Isadora endured years of sexual trauma that eventually ignited her passion to teach sexual empowerment and modern sex ed. In 2007, Isadora traveled to India to immerse herself in the ancient teachings of Tantra to facilitate deep healing and discover her own path as a healer. For eight years, Isadora traveled to India to delve deeper into the path of Tantra and teach yoga to sex-trafficked women in the red light district of Calcutta, work that would eventually become part of a documentary titled Shakti. She studied the Śrī Vidyā tradition of Tantra under spiritual guru Sri Amritananda (Guruji) in Pradesh, India, and was initiated into Shakti Tantra Yoga. We will miss you, Psalm. You will certainly never be forgotten.
