More fundamentally, our insecurities may be related to our experiences growing up and may have little to do with the person we are currently in a relationship with. Insecure feelings can arise from a deep—likely injured—place within and need our compassionate attention. And until we learn to provide a secure base for ourselves, our insecurities will hurt the relationships we try to form with others. For this reason, we need to become aware of how our insecurities manifest and learn ways to calm and center ourselves in the face of such powerful and potentially misleading feelings. A few behaviors to watch out for include: If the other person does offer reassurance, we need to accept their word and refrain from asking for it again. The next time we feel our insecurities resurface, we can remind ourselves of our previous conversation. We might also notice all the things that indicate that we are not about to be rejected: our partner’s kind words, their actions, and the fun times we have together. Perhaps we take it a step further and focus on the aspects of ourselves that the other person enjoys. Maybe our partner expressed admiration for our sense of humor, our insightful observations, or our unique sense of style. The next time our insecurities threaten to overtake us, we can recall these observations that affirm our lovability. If we notice that we are stifling our voice to keep our partner happy, we need to remind ourselves that doing so creates a relationship based on illusion. A healthy relationship happens when two people are honest and genuine with each other. In this kind of union, each partner is eager to know what the other feels, thinks, and wants. But if we deprive our partner of this honesty, we prevent the relationship from deepening and maturing. If we still want to appease rather than speak up, we should ask ourselves, “What do I really want or believe?” or “What is true for me?” Once we commit to speaking our truth, we need to talk without qualifiers and dismissive comments, saying, “I would like to eat out tonight,” “I actually don’t like that band,” or “I don’t agree with your political views.” When we say what we think, feel, and believe, we allow ourselves to connect in a real way with our partner—or we summon the conclusion of a relationship that was not right for us to begin with. Both scenarios lead to a better outcome for everyone involved. If we discover that we are jumping to conclusions or being overly sensitive, we need to pause, breathe, and listen to what the other person says. Unless our partner’s behaviors are in stark contrast to their words (understanding mixed messages in relationships is important), we do well to trust them and allow their clean track record to settle our insecure misgivings. It is a healthy human desire to want to feel secure, and we can embrace that sense of well-being by addressing our own past attachment insecurities and learning to calm ourselves and our fears. When we refuse to be swept away by our insecure impulses, we empower ourselves to respond mindfully and welcome the healthy relationships we all long for. Nancy has practiced mental health and addiction counseling for 43 years. She has worked in public and private psychiatric hospitals, juvenile corrections, public mental health, colleges, and private practice. She is also the author of Disentangle: When You’ve Lost Your Self in Someone Else. She offers presentations, workshops, and retreats for self-recovery.
